IC and Pregnancy

Hey there faithful readers! Sorry about my absence lately… there’s been lots of other stuff going on in my world besides IC, believe it or not!

However… today I woke up flaring really bad so I got straight into the shower and my Mom brought me my sweet 10 month old son so I could feed him. After he enjoyed a lovely, farm fresh breakfast he sat up and burped satisfyingly. Then he sat on my legs and played in the shower stream. I handed him his baby tooth brush and then he grabbed mine off the little ledge in the bath where I keep it. He banged them together, stuck them in his mouth, some times both at once, and he just had a jolly time!

This morning in the shower with Mommy!

While he played in the shower with me I couldn’t help but reflect on where I was a year ago… so I wanted to share my IC and Pregnancy journey.

I was having one of the worst flares in my life, I was having cramps that brought me to my knees and the IC pain was raging. I didn’t know what was going on but thought maybe, just maybe I was pregnant and it was wrecking havoc on my IC. As the sun rose on Sunday January 16^th, I woke Zach up and told him I was going to go to the emergency room. He convinced me to take a pregnancy test before we made the trek, just in case.

I was shaking as I sat on the toilet and managed to push out a few measly drops of urine onto the stick. We waited the instructed 5 minutes and then finally we both looked at the test and there were two faint lines. We didn’t know what to think… we quickly googled and it said if there is any presence of a second line, no matter how faint, it was a positive.

Zach, of course, didn’t believe it and being the scientific guy he is… he wanted a control. So he peed on one of the left over tests. There was only one single line without even a shadow of a second. We stared at each other and at the two tests completely mesmerized. I started crying and jumping up and down with excitement. I was still in tons of pain but at least it was for a purpose!

My positive on top and Zachs... negative... on the bottom

The next few weeks went by slowly as the cramps and IC pain took over my body as this new human attached and grew inside of me. At times I was convinced I was losing the baby but the severe nausea, several positive blood tests, and an ultrasound confirmed the baby was growing stronger every day.

Finally when I hit the second trimester the cramps and massive flare eased… I was still having overwhelming nausea and vomiting but at least my IC was okay. Then as the weeks went by I started realizing not only was my IC okay… it was much better… maybe even gone!

My second trimester had some serious ups and downs but none of it was caused by my IC and I was so thankful that my bladder was getting a chance to have a break and heal. That is… until the massive baby in my body decided to use it as a trampoline.

I had just found out the baby was a boy and this boy was busy! Every time I got an ultrasound they were shocked by his activities and movements in the confines of my uterus. I, on the other hand, was not because I could feel every summersault and soccer kick.

The IC pain started slowly coming back as the extracurricular activities in my Uterus Community Center increased. He was a funny little guy to have living inside of me. He would shift all his weight to one side so I had a crooked tummy most of the time. He flipped head up to head down all day long. The pressure of his jubilation was a lot for my very fragile bladder to handle.

I, of course, had to urinate more but just small amounts of dribble came out every time which caused that familiar burning. Overall though, it was not too bad! I took lukewarm baths and floated in the pool a lot when the pain worsened.

So fun floating with my big tummy! 

As we got closer to my due date the Braxton hicks were my main concern… my OB was convinced that the pain was so intense because my abdominal muscles are unordinary tight from all the chronic pain I has warded off for the past 10 years. I used a heating pad on low but nothing helped the pain that ripped through my abdomen the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy.

I was anxious for it all to be over so I could meet this new little love of my life but now looking back I wish I would have enjoyed the simplicity of it all. Yes, I was in quite a bit of pain and sore all the time but how amazing to be able to keep him safe, warm, and fed all tucked in inside of me. I envy kangaroos that they get to keep their joeys safe and sound in their pouch while also seeing the little guy they love so much. I’m sure they don’t even realize their fortune. (Have I mentioned my husband’s obsession with wallaby’s? He wants one… he wants one real bad.)  

My stellar team of doctors decided a scheduled c section was the best route to go to keep my interstims safe and to not risk further damage to my sensitive lady bits. We set the date, September 12, 2011 and all we had to do was keep him in there until then and wait. Lots of waiting.

Bigger than a watermelon the day before I had Titus! 

 It came faster than it seemed at the time and next thing I knew I was meeting this tiny 7 lb 12 oz baby, Titus James Jovanovich, who had been wreaking havoc on my body. At that moment, I didn’t care. I didn’t care what had happened in my life or whatever else would happen from that point on. I was a mommy to a beautiful baby boy that had my heart the second I heard his cry.

First time holding Titus!

Things went pretty well after the c-section. Urinating was pretty painful due to the catheter but that passed and I was so happy it barely fazed me… or maybe that was just from the sheer exhaustion of having a newborn. Either way…

A couple weeks after Titus was born I turned my interstims on and promptly turned them off because I could feel the wires had moved dramatically. I suffered through a couple months without them on and finally went to see my urologist. She had warned me that this could happen during pregnancy so I was a little apprehensive to prove her right but she was sweet as could be after she saw those sweet baby blues that Titus presents unabashedly.

We scheduled an interstim revision and I had relatively major surgery with my precious 2 month old snuggled at home with Grandma. I had restrictions to not do too much for 6 weeks post- op but of course that didn’t happen and the wires didn’t stay in place for long… 5 months later I was back in for the same thing.

Overall I would say my IC was really tolerable during my pregnancy… I have heard different extremes from other Moms with IC but mine was kind of in the middle. There were definitely times with little to no pain that I rejoiced in but there were times when it was as extreme as ever.

All together it was a long 9 months but it was more than worth it and let’s be honest… I’ll probably do it again so Titus can have a brother or sister. People ask me why I had a baby if it caused me so much pain and is so hard to parent with IC. It's simple. All I have ever wanted was to be a Mom, IC has robbed me of so much in my life but not that. I have commitmented to Titus to be the best Mom I can be. Period. Not just the best Mom I can be with IC. My IC is not his fault. 

Being pregnant with IC is much easier than being a Mom with IC so if you are thinking about having a baby don’t just consider the 9 months… consider the rest of your life having to put some one else before your IC. It is a struggle every day. Today I will miss out on a lot because of this flare but I get to raise this little boy with the help of my family. Yesterday he said Mama for the first time and no matter what else happens in my life, that’s all that matters. I am his Mama before any thing else!

Titus and me on the 4th of July!

Sunshine after a Downpour and Rain after a Drought

 Through the years I have been asked many times, “how can you believe in God when you’re so sick?” It’s hard at times but I do… I believe in God without a question, I know he’s with me, I know he is allowing my body to suffer for a reason, but I know he hurts when I hurt.  

At the age of 13, when I first started having IC symptoms, I was already committed. Thanks to my faith driven upbringing, steady believing family, and hilariously faithful children’s pastor I was sold. Praise God because it would have been a treacherous task to instill faith into me after IC had run rampant.

My favorite thing about my relationship with God is that he gets me… some times I insert jokes in my prayers, some times I get mad at him, some times I don’t talk to him for a few days. He still loves me.

I have a very vivid memory of lying in the back seat of the car after going out to dinner with my family. My parents are in the front chatting about grown up things and my sister is quietly looking out the window with my feet across her lap like a second seat belt. It’s dark out so the only things I can see are flashes of lights and we drive under street lights. I have no idea where we are on our commute but I know we are headed to the sanctuary of home.

How do I know? Because my sister and I are tired and that’s where we need to go. Because my parents told me that’s where we were headed. Because I trust them 100%.

That’s a lot like my relationship like God. I know the end goal is perfect and what I am aching for… even if I have no idea what that is… but I have no idea what way we are going to get there. I am just trusting, having blind faith, waiting for him to let me know we have arrived.

I can feel the God’s presence in unexpected ways at times when I need Him. Like in the car when I felt like I wasn’t going to make it, I was going to fall asleep there in the backseat if we didn’t get there soon. Then, like she could read my mind, my mom would say cheerfully “almost home”!     

God has reassured me by showing himself to me many times, my favorite time was on a beautiful, sunny day like today. I had been in the shower for hours… hurting and frustrated about all that I was missing beyond the confines of the shower. I was sitting there on the hard bathtub floor, being drenched in pain relieving rain drops when suddenly through the door crack a ray of sunshine lit up my bathroom. It only lasted a moment… but I have never doubted, since then, that God is with me every moment. Even if, maybe especially if, it’s just a dull day sitting in the shower, full of pain and frustration.

That may not seem like a big deal to any one else and maybe you could tell me it was a coincidence or a cloud moved or whatever. You can believe what you want. I know what happened.

That was just a tiny example of His unfathomable love but this week He showed up in a much bigger way.

It had been 5 days since my cystoscopy, hydrodistention, and Botox injections. They went into my bladder, checked it out, determined it was half the size it should be, stretched it by filling it with water, and then injected it several times with Botox. The first few days were brutal but by then I was pretty much back to my “normal”.

During my recovery my hubby and I both read the first Hunger Games book. So the day I was finally up to it we planned a movie date. We watched the movie, ate the popcorn, whispered about the differences between the movie and the book. Then we went out to dinner with friends. I drank quite a bit of water at the movie and at dinner so before I knew it the familiar, dreadful feeling filled my body. I had to go to the bathroom… in public. So I headed to the bathroom and sat down… but nothing happened. 

I have had retention before, where I only go a few drops every hour or so… but this was the weirdest thing every. Nothing came out despite the horrible, persistent pressure. I calmly walked back to the table, let every one finish their conversation then announced that we needed to go home.

I got in the shower as soon as we got home, I sat down expecting the urine to flow but nothing happen. The pee wouldn’t come out. It felt like I was on a long desert road trip, we couldn’t find a bathroom and when we did Big Bubba the trucker was taking his sweet time. My bladder was going to burst but no matter how much permission I gave it… it wouldn’t release.

Eventually I got out and slept for a few hours thanks to the narcotics… only to wake up and have to start all over. I wrote this about 16 hours since I had last urinated.

I can’t pee. I have tried the shower, the bath, pain medicine, sleep… but nothing has helped.

My bladder is full and aching… which is for some reason making my lower back and legs throb.

The only thing left to do is to catheterize. I am dreading it. I keep running through my brain what I need to do… get out of the shower, get the bag of catheters from my bedroom where I tossed it hoping to not need it, read the little directions, and just do it.

But some where between step 3 and 4 I get a little paralyzed with fear. I can never even sit like a lady because that pressure hurts my urethra. What do you suppose this will feel like? Completely un-anesthetized mind you…

SO then I think… I could go to the ER where they would do it for me… I’m tossing around the pros and cons of each option. The pro of doing it here would be that I could just get in the shower after if the urethral pain is just too raging but that means I have to do it myself… with a completely untrained hand, with a measly vicodin to relieve the pain and only a tiny booklet as my guide…

Going to the ER would supply me with fine drugs to ease the pain and a skilled hand but I would be stuck there until they determined I was as good as I was going to get… By the by, going this route could help for the current situation but what if this continues… I can’t go to the ER twice a day until the retention eases. If this is going to become a new daily occurrence I will need to learn to do this on my own.

So right now I’m sitting in the shower trying to ignore the pain while I decide what to do. I can hear Titus sleepily protesting as my mom tries to get him to take a nap while he’s teething, I smell the now soggy teddy graham I dropped in the shower, my eyes burn from exhaustion, but my brain keeps reminding me that some thing is wrong. My bladder desperately wants to empty… it just can’t. The only thing left I know to do it pray.

Right after I wrote this I prayed the quickest prayer of my life… “God please let me pee!” took pain meds and another nap. When I woke up and got in the shower my bladder released. Like a long summer drought finally breaking… it was the most bittersweet pain ever. It hurt as the long awaited urine exited but my bladder was rejoicing in the relief.

Since then I haven’t had one single bout of retention AND I haven’t even had one teensy, tiny accident. Not a massive flood or even a little leak. I am in control of my bladder. There, I said it. I have been scared to say it… I didn’t want to be overzealous. But I have been now the captain of my bladder-ship for 5 whole days. Boo yah!

So my question is… how can I NOT believe in God? Yeah… true, I am sick. I deal with pain every day. But look at all the things He does for me! I have bad days but I also have good days! I miss out on a lot when I’m in the shower… but when I’m out I have an awesome life. I am thriving.

I don’t meat to preach… but I just want you to know how much more hope, joy and light my life has because of my relationship with God. I want you to have that too! So know that He is with you as well. Maybe you didn’t even realize it was Him before. But He’s there. Loving you. Comforting you. Easing the pain when you can’t take it any more. Giving you strength. Giving your loved ones patience. Providing for you.  Some times he makes himself known in big ways… some times you just have to open your eyes and you will see him easing your burdens.