After my most recent excruciatingly serious blogs I felt
like I should enlighten my faithful readers with a little of what goes on in my
brain…. My sister claims it’s a scary place!
People without IC take for granted things like going to the
bathroom in public and probably hardly notice the difference. I, however, am
like a food critic but for bathroom. (Which by the way, that would be an
amazing job… the food version… not the bathroom kind. Though I think I would
love any job with a clip board and a check list!)
Anyway… going out in public is an adventure for me, no
matter if it’s to the local fro-yo place or venturing miles away to an exciting
destination such as… the mall maybe? The preparation for my voyage outside “the
compound” is quite involved and requires hours of planning, including but not
limited to restricting my…
Sorry, where was I? I was trying to eat my dinner in the
shower and type this but that definitely was not working, I’m back now!
Restricting my water intake because as my famous saying
goes, “the less I drink, the less I tink”. The best case scenario would be that
I could go to the bathroom, shower and get out right before I leave then have a
joyous time and not have to go until I’m home and can get directly back into
the shower. But there are of course other scenarios… most of which I end up in
a public bathroom.
I have a love/ hate relationship with bathrooms… they are necessary
for obvious reasons but whenever I am in one I am in pain so I can’t help but
be a bit prejudice of bathrooms… I generally restrain from hate crimes against
them but you can’t win ‘em all!
If my plan does go haywire and I end up in a public torture
chamber I definitely have preferences and restrictions. If I must go into one
ideally it would be a lovely, impeccably clean single bathroom with a toilet
and sink all to myself, it wouldn’t hurt to throw in some décor, perhaps a nice
live plant and heck why not a cozy chair? If the pain is excruciating I have
been known to stay in there a while, I just sit on the toilet and hope more
drips of the devilicious liquid exits and gives me relief. Also in severe cases
I have actually soaked paper towels in hot water and apply them to attempt to
baffle my stubborn body into remission but have yet to succeed with that
innovation. I have been tempted to climb into the sink and run that delicious
water over my aching bits but have thus far restrained myself.
The next best are the bathrooms at Nordstrom’s! They do have
the stalls which aren’t fun but they are plentiful and spacious and they even
have a couch in the waiting area! For IC reasons it’s helpful in that I could
rest there for a few minutes until the worst of the post-pee pain was over. Also
for breastfeeding reasons it’s so thoughtful of them to provide a comfy place
for me to feed my sweet baby!
If I were making a list… when am I not? I would put 3rd
on my list just your regular run of the mill stall bathrooms… I hate them for
many reasons. A. I don’t like when people are waiting to use my stall while I
push out a few piddles out at a time. B. I don’t like other people hearing me
pee. It sounds like some naughty kid is playing with the hose turning it off
and on. Some times it comes out with the force of my dad’s new pressure washer
that apparently can break through brick… while other times it comes out as a
slow leak. C. It’s just not humane to make another person sit next to other
people while they evacuate their system… even if there is a flimsy plastic door
between them, it’s just not right. D. I don’t like people seeing my feet while
I go potty as they are usually clenched up or clopping around through the pain.
To go along with my previous bathroom destination, I hate
the bathroom at the movie theaters. The reasons are the same but I loathe when
the movie is over and every diet coke guzzling teenage girl has to go at the
exact same time. I don’t think missing 5 minutes to relieve yourself in the
middle of a movie is going to be too devastating, so why wait?
Side note… I prefer paper towels to those air-hand-drying
mechanisms that confuse me and almost always startle me with the sudden
hurricane that efficiently dries my hands. But I must admit that has nothing to
do with my IC… just a person preference! Oops I’m letting my
not-very-eco-friendliness show…
Next worst would be gas station bathrooms… though they do
often meet the criteria of my first preference of a single bathroom; the
stench, filth, disorder, and unisex factor really bother me. I don’t want to go
through my agony, much less sit on a toilet, right next to a… urinal. Ew. Not
to mention they are frequently on the outside of the building which makes them
cold, smellier, AND who knows what people are doing out there… yikes.
But really I would take all of those any day over the
complete disgust I have for the honey bucket situation… WHO THOUGHT OF THAT???
I mean seriously? Who is the person that thought, gee I know! People can go
potty outside but in this cute little private area and they can go right into a
huge vat and once it gets too full we’ll empty it!?!?! FOR REALS people??!!
It’s wrong. I would literally rather find a nice stream and have a squat while
the salmon swim by suspiciously than go into one of those excuses for a
bathroom. I am getting all hyped up just typing this… nasty. In dire cases I
have forced myself to endure the hardship of the porta-potty but have regretted
it instantly every time. First of all talk about having to rush, not for fear
of disrupting a kindly older lady’s shopping trip but for fear of passing out
because you’ve been holding your breath for too long. Plus I dare not touch my
precious derriere to the excuse of a seat so I brace myself and hover above the
hole and hope that my poisonous urine goes into the desired direction (which
doesn’t always happen by the way).
So as you can tell I do not like having to pee any where,
any time but can hardly stand it in public! Often times I hold it as long as I
can and wind up having an accident in the car on the way home or frequently in
the drive way or even while running up the stairs to my perfectly IC friendly
bathroom! I bet after reading this you’ll think twice before inviting me out
won’t ya?
You are hilarious!!!
ReplyDeleteLoved reading your article. For me I have made it past the embarrassment of going in public--it doesn't matter who hears what although I do agree that a single is so much better. We have stopped at building sites with porta potties for me to use that are used mainly by men (need I say more?), on which I try not to sit down if possible. I also prefer the single stalls and have been in more filthy bathrooms than I care to think about. But when the pain starts and continues to escalate with each passing moment, my mind is consumed with only one thought--RELIEF! No matter how much I try to divert my attention elsewhere, it doesn't work, and the agony keeps growing by leaps and bounds with only one solution. Even the side of the road is inviting in some of those situations. Of course only when on a back country road with little or no traffic.
ReplyDeleteI just found your site yesterday, actually my sister-in-law found it for me. While my IC is more of the "10 is not a high enough number on the pain scale for what I'm feeling" sort of a disease, I am intrigued by your blog as it seems that in this "condition" the symptoms can be the same yet so wide spread. Thanks for writing and being so honest and transparent. -Julie
ReplyDeleteP.S. I think you could benefit from some Clorox wipes and those ICY HOT heating pads that you peel of the back and sticks to you and provides heat for 8 hours. I've used them before, they are very nice. :)
It's even worse for IC patients who have urinary retention due to Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and have to push to pee. Standing up and hovering doesn't work. Today for example, I had to sit down and dumb me, forgot to check the seat before I sat. Well..come to find out the seat was LOADED with piss. That cold piss that embraced the back of my legs and arse grossed me out. I've been worried ever since of contracting some awful STD.
ReplyDeleteAnd I totally agree with you on the "listening" ears from women in other stahls. When your bladder and urethra doesn't work, it's not peeing, it's called dribbling. It's even worse when it doesn't want to come out!! And of course, when someone is taking a poop next to you, try telling your locked shut, useless urethra to work then?!? When nothing wants to come out? Meanwhile, the lady next to you is waiting for you to hurry up, so she can get-on with her poo-poo business. Yep. I hate public restrooms too.