A Picture is worth 1,225 words.

As I wrote in my last few blog this has been a really difficult recovery, my 26^th surgery and by far the hardest recovery. It has been just one complication after the next. Today yet another one came up, everyone told me to expect some UTI (urinary tract infection) symptoms for a while after getting the catheter removed because any time you have a foreign object in your body it will leave bacteria.

So I ignored all the clear signs of a UTI. Burning (which I always have), urgency (which I always have), frequency (which I sometimes have), feeling like I might just pee at any given time (what I like to consider “loose pee”), and of course my pee was dark, thick, cloudy, dare I say chunky without someone passing out, and most disgustingly rancid smelling.

Each day it progressed but it wasn’t until last night that I knew it was serious. I had tons of blood coming from somewhere down there and we all know it’s not from my womanly parts (considering I have a full hysterectomy 3 months ago). Then I felt feverish. I seriously considered going to the ER but honestly I was just too tired.

I woke up this morning and the bleeding had let up but the rest was still bad. I also felt really sick. I can’t even really explain it… I just felt sick. Sore, shivery, hot, tired, uncomfortable in my own skin… I knew I needed to get checked out soon. Considering my urologist is an hour and a half away I decided to just go to my local emergency room.

Nothing especially interesting happened there… My mom got chased down by the security guard because she was carrying Titus pretend dog kennel, I put on my hospital gown and Titus said “cool shirt momma”, they gave me toradol (even though I’m pretty sure I could find stronger drugs behind the bleachers at a jr. high), they gave me antibiotics via an IV that I (obviously) had an allergic reaction to, and was told by the nurse that the results of my urine test were the worst she had seen.

 Then they sent me home full of dilaudid (which I convinced the doctor to give me when I told him I had a whole bottle at home… then he probably called some local school principles and told them to be on the watch for me behind bleachers) and benadryl. I came home. Took my pants off, put ear plugs in and my eye mask on and slept. I was woken by a bouncing toddler stage whispering “mama sheeping, shhhh” when I pried my eye mask off he had the biggest smile and said “hi mama! Snuggle mama!”

That helped.

I took another dilaudid and that helped too.

So I was feeling semi okay for a couple hours then the pain just took over me again. I was sitting in my bed crying, rubbing my swollen belly that looks 5 months pregnant except it’s not... It’s just from my bladder full of infection and pain. My husband was snoring his face off, Parenthood was on pause and I cried. I don’t want to do this anymore. Seriously. I’m done.

Please don’t think this is a rare occurrence but it was an especially bad pity party… The whole shebang, metaphorical hats and streamers even.

I knew I had to deploy one of my “Deni’s 5 Ways to Leave a Pity Party”.

1. I pray.  (I plead God to just get me through this. I have accepted this is the life that was meant for me (for now) and it is coming as no surprise to Him but I’m sure it’s breaking His heart to watch me suffer.)

2. I try to distract myself. (Friends reruns, a phone call to my Grandma, pinterest, ice cream, pretty much anything not related to babies or pain.)

3. Snuggle with my husband and let him tell me it will be okay. (I don’t know why this works but it does, his arms are magical and forehead kisses are magical.) Or snuggle with my 2 year, kiss his head, stare at every single feature. (He sometimes can't contain his love, he says "love you mama" then squeezes me so tight and sometimes even bites me... Tiny Edward Cullen.)

4. Talk to my mom. (She lets me have a pity party (she brings the metaphorical cake) and cries right along with me.)

5. I look at pictures. (The topic of this blog if I ever get to my point.)

I post a lot of photos on facebook, instagram and even in this blog… I take thousands more than I post. (Yes, I know that’s hard to believe…) For me pictures aren’t about duck faces or looking double t hot but about capturing moments in my life that are easy to forget when the camera is off and I’m in bed for the 5^th day in a row and don’t even know what the weathers like or what food we have in the fridge. When I feel like I cannot do another day with this pain I look at these wonderful gems.

They are my most prized possessions, pictures from my childhood, with my family, with my friends, when Zach and I were dating, our wedding, my pregnancy, and of course Titus' entire life. I pick a random event or date and just peruse through them suddenly remembering things I would maybe have forgotten without these still shots of our lives.

I have to do it.

It reminds me I've gotten through hard times before and in spite of my health I have had, and continue to have, a wonderful life.

So yes, I take pictures of you while you’re carving your pumpkin, in your swimsuit floating at the lake, in 10 layers lying in the dirt cutting down a Christmas tree, trying to fly a kite, holding my son, or even take a selfie of you and me. It’s what I do. Deal with it.

I over share, I suck at keeping secrets, I’m a toucher, I am sarcastic, I tease, and I take pictures. It’s who I am, take it or leave it. Years from now I will look back and remember the time I over shared about something you would have been happy to not know, blabbed your secrets, touched you (not meaning that as creepy as it sounds), and sarcastically teased you while taking pictures and you will thank me for the reminder of that fun (sounds more awkward than fun perhaps) time. You’re welcome.

It will be filed under 2014, January, Deni being obnoxious.

I was sobbing as I started this blog, I intended it to be some deep portrayal of how I get through hardships by putting myself into better times through looking at fun old photos but you know me… I get easily distracted. That should go on my list too.

I swear those interstims and botox blogs are coming up real soon…

I just clicked random folders and picked any photo that captured a moment that I would like to jump into right now, I really have had a wonderful life! (It's 1:15 and I want to post this blog so I'm leaving the photos as they are... all haphazard and not in chronological order, forgive me!)