First of all... I am terribly sorry I have been slacking on writing blogs for the IC community... I have to admit that it's difficult when I don't have IC more. So I'm basically just using this when my thoughts don't fit on a facebook status... If you're someone with IC looking for into feel free to message me and can direct you to a helpful blog or set you up in an IC group.
It's been exactly 1 year since my Dad passed away. I am feeling so many mixed convoluted emotions. I think creative people need an outlet to really process information... So I just started writing. I had no intention to post it but we all know my TMI alarm is on the fritz.
Basically I just wrote about that night my Dad passed away from my perspective. I would love to read the recount of that dreaded night from the rest of my family but unfortunately you're stuck with my side of story...
On May 13th Jeny came over for homemade fajitas and to visit with our Dad. He actually ate a bit for the first time in days and then we snuggled into the bed with him and my mom and we all watched Friends. Jeny and I were being obnoxious and laughing about some random thing that I think had something to do with a ladle and he said "what're you girls giggling about?" (The very last thing I heard him say...)
I figured that was our cue to let him get some rest so I rubbed his arm (I only lived upstairs) and Jeny gave him a hug and kiss on the cheek then she went home.
I went upstairs to my room and continued sorting photos which I felt the need to do as soon as his doctor started talking about hospice... I stumbled upon his senior year book and the quote he chose to go with his name and under this picture was "A talent for comedy equal to that of the Greeks." which makes no sense so I texted him and asked what he meant... He never responded.
I was sitting in my bed watching the finale of American Idol while Zach slept next to me. All of a sudden I heard animalistic cries full of panic and fear. I paused my show and then my mom bursted into our room and gulped and gasped for air as she said "I think. I don't know. I think he's gone."
I roughly woke Zach up and unplugged my urine drain bag and my charging phone. My mom was staring at her phone but couldn't focus so I called 9-1-1.
I said simply... "I think my Dad died"
While I was on the phone I walked into my parents bedroom and saw him laying there. My mom shook him a few more times and even though I could see his soul had left I ran upstairs to get the finger O2 and pulse rate monitor that we shared. By the time I got it on his cold finger I was 100% sure he was being welcomed into heaven.
However the 9-1-1 operator kept telling me to do CPR and I told her I couldn't do it, he was gone, he didn't want to get brought back, he was too sick and he was ready for heaven! She told me to give the phone to someone who could and so I gave it to Zach thinking he would tell her to shut up or something. He stood on my parents bed looking down at my Dad's body that was clearly just an empty vessel at this point. My strong, unflappable husband cried as he repeated over and over "I can't do it!!!!" he pleaded with the operator. Just then I saw the flashing lights and told Zach to hang up the phone and to just wait. I ran outside in my paper thin nightgown and screamed for the paramedics to follow me.
I showed them to his room and then I found myself in the hall sobbing into my husbands chest when we heard the paramedic say "we need everyone's help now!"
My mom yelled "DENI STAY OUT" just a second too late. I saw the medics lift the sheets he laid on and aggressively and urgently pick up the edges of the sheets to drop him onto the floor. We all told them he had a DNR (do not resuscitate) order. Finally his heart had failed and they realized he was truly gone.
So my Mom, Zach and I walked out with the image of my Daddy's earthly body dead, naked and on a sheet on the floor of his room forever burnt into my mind.
(Later I found out the paramedics consoled Zach and told him he made the right decision in not doing CPR. I'm so thankful that they took that guilt away before it even had time to fester.)
Then my mom, Zach and I collapsed into each other's arms and sobbed.
We all prayed together for a while but then next thing I knew my desperate sobs turned into gentle tears slipping silently down my face. Then I started talking except I was saying things I didn't see or know or hear.
I smiled and said something like "he's running through a beautiful field. Do you smell that? It's the best thing he's ever smelled. Oh there's music, it's beautiful."
Then I went back to crying. I will never doubt the Holy Spirit's power because I know He spoke through me that night to comfort us.
After that the kind, gentle firemen and paramedics told us he was officially gone. We cried and hugged some more.
Then I called my siblings. Jeny and Todd both said they were right coming over but we couldn't get a hold of my oldest sister, Dana.
So Zach announced he was going to drive the 30 minutes to my sisters to tell her and then come right back. I was totally against him going but looking back I think that was for selfish reasons, he was my rock. Then one paramedic gently advised that I let Zach go, she could tell he needed a job so I nodded my head and he left.
Right after that Jeny walked in. We all sobbed together then Todd came in and we all just huddled up and cried.
The emergency team was still there but gave us space until we caught our breaths and began the literally never ending grieving process.
The firemen recognized my Dad from the few times he had fallen out of his wheelchair and we had to call them to help. They told us what a sweet funny man he was and that helped. Then he asked us about him...
(Such a good move!)
We took turns telling them about all of his achievements, his adventures, his quick wit, the things that made him one of a kind and of course about his deep faith. We all slid back and forth from smiles to tears within seconds.
My big, strong brother sat in one spot and answered questions or nodded occasionally but he was quiet and the tears never stopped. His face was a glimpse of what his heart was doing. Breaking.
The cat tried to play with the fireman's radio cord that was hanging down. We all smiled at that.
Then Zach got home and Dana got there with the girls, 16 year old Macy and 11 year old Tayte, not much later. It upped the ante having the kids there but I know they wanted to be with all of us.
We sobbed without speaking for quite a while. Then the police showed up, the funeral home people came, and the city Chaplin got there.
The fire and police chatted, apparently anytime someone dies outside of a hospital the cops come just to check thing out, they all agreed that it was due to natural causes so the cop left.
The funeral home had my Mom sign some papers I'm sure she didn't even read. Then we heard a little commotion and one of the firemen came to tell us they couldn't fit the gurney into the room so they'd have to drag my Dad into the kitchen.
The hardest part of the night, in my opinion, was accidental looking back and seeing a black bag that I knew was full of my Dad's body. Then they had to get him on the gurney and after a bunch of grunting and "I'm about to drop him!", "you grab that side!" I pulled Tayte close to me and covered her ears and randomly sang the Barney song to try to cover the sounds.
They finally got him safely on the gurney and then we all mistakenly turned our heads to the front door as they wheeled him out. Bad move.
We all totally lost it again. We sat in silence with tears pouring down our faces, passing tissues around.
I looked around and saw the people I love most, they were all in pain and I wanted to console each one but didn't know how. So I moved from seat to seat holding hands and crying with each of these beloved people.
Then the Chaplin came in and I spent a substantial amount of time rolling my eyes as he introduced himself and told us his life story.... He went on to say all the empty condolences that the Chaplin For Dummies book taught him. But the worst/ best part was him saying.multiple times, "Every tear is a visual hug" over and over.
I still don't get it.
Then he left and none of us knew what to do. We sat in stunned silence trying the impossible task to accept that our dad, the kids' poppa, and my moms husband was gone.
We knew he was in a world of bliss that we can't even imagine but selfishly the physical ache of losing him was shocking.
Now it's been exactly one year since that early morning. The pain is still real. We're still trying to figure out this totally new version of our lives. We miss him every single day but you know what I was thinking... His 4 children were made from parts of him and I feel closer to him when I'm with them...
Dana (the expensive one) has his ability to schmooze and chat with random people so well that those people expect a lifelong friendship after one jokey moment in the grocery store. She also is funny in unexpected ways that surprise you and then you laugh even harder. She also lived out adventures with him: sailing, yachting, flying and racing. She was his girl. They spent a lot of time just the 2 of them when Dana was growing up so they had a kind of bond you can only get from relying solely on one another.
Todd (the peace keeper) has his heart. He loves people deeply and is even slightly sappy. He trusts people quickly and without question. But mainly he loves his children and the rest of his family more than anything in the world exactly how Dad did. He also will do whatever he needs to do to provide for his family just like Dad. Of course I have to mention he also loves football except he's a UW fan while of course my Dad was a USC fan... There was tension during certain games but I think the bond of football kept them even closer.
Jeny (the sweet and sassy one) is the most like him in my opinion. She got my Dad's gift/ curse of extreme generosity. She has a laugh that is reserved but once it arrives it won't stop. She loves to be with people and have fun but she also needs tranquility occasionally. She has his sense of independence and spontaneity. She cares so much about her job and always goes above and beyond using that Jamie Tindall work ethic. But most of all she has his unwavering faith and truly strives to live the life God wants her to.
Then there is me. The baby. Deni (the funny one). It's weird to write this about myself but I have a rare combination of cockiness and modesty that makes me think I'll manage... I use fun words even if it's used incorrectly. I make up words and stories and I give everyone nicknames. I live to make people laugh and feel genuine joy in my heart when I succeed. I have a quick wit that would occasionally surprise my Dad, making it even funnier! We also had similar taste in food and I loved hearing good reviews from him for my cooking because the man was pretty brutally honest.
(Side note... Zach is a lot like my Dad in many ways too. The saying that you marry someone like your father is apparently true...)
I also see him in his Grandkids...
Macy got his humor although she's still refining it
Carson got his athletic abilities
Tayte got his big, pure heart.
Landon got his adventurous spirit
Titus likes to share his opinion on every topic but also has quick whit
Elliette got his independence and his ambition!
Most importantly my Mom. She puts on a brave face but I see her eyes fill with tears occasionally. I see her big heart grow even bigger even as she mourns. She's trying to learn what life is like without him, her husband of 34 years.
So all of us are down here with broken hearts covered with band aids waiting for the day our hearts will be healed and we're with him in Heaven.
Maybe they celebrate "entrance into heaven day" similar to how we celebrate birthdays. Maybe heaven is so wonderful that there is no sense of time or special days because they're all perfect. Maybe he's up there dancing with a full heart knowing that he's in his eternal home and the people he loves so much will join him some day. Who knows what it's like but as long as our faith sustains us through this and so much more I am confident we will all be together again some day.
My ache. The hole in my heart that he once filled. The intense longing to joke with him and just be with him. The pressure to talk about him and tell stories about him so that Titus won't forget him. Realizing he's already missed so much and it's only been one year... These struggles are so difficult and painful but the joy that comes with knowing that he is in paradise and his heart doesn't lurch with pain when he thinks of us like ours do for him, somehow makes everything easier.
Finally... I wanted to share the song that i always thought of him when I heard and it ended up being the song he and i danced to at my wedding... Every word is so true.
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| This is a dual purpose kiss! I love you and thank you for paying for our entire wedding and honeymoon! Ha, |
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| One of my favorite part of my Wedding Day! I wish I knew what I was laughing about! |
This is both heartbreaking and beautiful, Deni. Thank you for sharing.
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