Instinct

Well. I got to chat with a real life farmer yesterday. It was really interesting for lots of reason but most of all… I found out I have a lot in common with his heifers.

Actually I’d love to meet up with them for… some milk? Or I guess they don’t eat milk… so hay? Anyway I feel like Bessie and I could really relate and support each other.

The farmer told me that his ladies of the cow persuasion have been in heat but the farmer hasn’t arranged for um… a calfie daddy to eh… spend some quality time with them? (I clearly don’t know anything about farm animals…)

So these curvaceous, randy ladies are taking things into their own… hooves… There just happens to be a strapping young steer just through a few fields and they’re not letting a few measly fences keep them home. They’ve already broken through two with the mission of getting a pot roast… I mean bun… in the oven.

Of course the men… and the steer… would like to think it’s their passion and general lustfulness that is driving them towards these horny fellas… meaning they have horns, get your mind out of the gutter… but I hate to break it to ya guys… It has nothing to do with that.

It’s a raw, animal instinct to reproduce.

It’s what keeps animals roaming the lands, swimming in the ocean and flying in the sky. It keeps delicious steak on our table. Best of all it’s what keeps our family trees full of new leaves with each generation.  

I haven’t recently chatted with any animal about their reproduction but I would imagine another thing we have in common is that it doesn’t matter whether we’ve already had one child or twelve, the deep need is just as strong. It's not because our one or twelve kids aren't enough or not perfect. It's a totally separate desire. It's like wanting to eat dinner even though you ate a delightful breakfast. One doesn't affect the other. 

This strong, instinctual feeling is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It's not just a want, it's a desperation and yearning that cannot be suppressed.

I’ve been feeling this instinct and desire for another baby since February but after tons of complications (read my blog Change of Plans for more details) I am not only unable to have another baby but I’m having a hysterectomy on Friday. I’m still feeling all these instincts but now I have to suppress them. I have to tell myself- no matter the pain it brings me- that I cannot follow through with what I’m hardwired to do. I'm forcing my body, my mind and my heart to go against this intense drive to procreate.  

It’s like going up to a wild bear to give him a nice treat and a scratch on the back. Or seeing my son in danger and doing nothing about it. Or maybe even like being in a room full of free ice cream and not even having a lick! This is an instinct, not a calculated decision that I just have to change my mind about. It's going against my pedigree... Going against everything I was made for. 

I have never felt such deep pain as this... It's indescribable. It racks my body full of grief. 

I'm grieving the plans I had for my life and my family.

I'm grieving the loss of my child I had only known in my heart and mind. 

I'm grieving for Titus who will never be able to look at someone and see himself like you can only do with your sibling, he will never have someone to hold hands with as they walk to school, nor will he have that unique relationship that you have with your sibling your whole life that is stronger than any other friendship or bond.

I'm grieving for Zach who always wanted two kids. 

I'm grieving for my mom who is feeling this loss and heartache almost as much as I am. 

I am trying to be positive penny but things keep coming up in conversation or commercials about a baby or pregnancy and suddenly I have actual chest pain like my heart is truly breaking.  

The other day I cried harder than I have in years. I cried and cried. My husband held me but I had no words to offer him. The pain, the loss, the heartache is indescribable. It comes from a place deep inside where dreams and hopes live... and die. 

But. I'm sitting here writing this while in layers of deep pain. Complicated and extreme. I'm off of all treatments for my endometriosis and it's aggressively showing up in full force. I was diagnosed when I was 12 and I am now 26.. 14 years of this pain is enough. 

I know this is why I'm doing this... But! It doesn't change one dang thing about my devastation. 

I can tell myself the positive reasons why I’m doing this all day, until the cows come home… But that doesn’t change the crushing of my heart.

So please let me grieve and cry and mourn. Don't belittle it with seemingly sweet jokes or catchy celebrations. I don't care about wearing white pants or never having to buy female products ever again. I don't even really care that my pain will maybe be less. Please stop attempting to lift me up with all the good news, I know all that. I am very thankful for it... But it doesn't change the searing pain in my heart. 

The bottom line is I have an instinct and a desire to have another baby but on Friday the door to this phase of my life is being slammed shut, locked, and dead bolted… and my heart is broken. I’m trying to get through this like I’ve gotten through everything… with a smile, even if I am smiling through mournful tears.

If you think of me on Friday or any time in the next couple weeks, I’d really appreciate a prayer being sent up on my behalf. I’ve had 23 or 24 surgeries (I’ve lost count) but this is no question the biggest one I’ve ever had and along with my IC and chronic nausea it’s going to be a doozie of a recovery. Not to mention the emotional side of it all…

To end this on a happy note for you and me, I wanted to say how very thankful I am for my precious miraculous gift, Titus. He just turned 2 a couple weeks ago and is growing before our eyes! He’s saying some sentences, loves animals, he loves to dance, and his laugh is pure and contagious. He’s also a sensitive, sweet boy; the other day out of nowhere he lifted my shirt and gave my “owie” tummy a kiss. He is pure love!

 
 

Titus giving me a flower. Pure. Love. 

Dear Deni circa 2001

Day 6 assignment asks us what we know now that we wish we knew when we were first diagnosed.

Again it's different for me because I was so young, 14, when I was diagnosed. So there are a lot of things I know now that I wish I knew then! 

Such as, there IS such a thing as too much lip smackers cupcake lip gloss, Dr. Martens are not the height of fashion, and having 648 butterfly clipies in your hair isn't as ravishing as you think. 

But I assume the question is in reference to our Ic. In which case there's even more I wish I knew back then. So if I could go back and pass a perfectly folded note to 14 year old Deni, I'd write to her these 10 things. 

1. You are not weird because you're sick. Well... You are weird. But not cuz your sick.

2. You didn't do anything to cause all of this, it's not your fault.

3. The friends that are true will stay by your side, forget about the ones who leave you behind.

4. Cling to your family more than anyone, they'll be with you every step of the way.

5. One day you will get a myspace (you have no idea what that is but don't invest too much in it when the time comes, it's short lived) message from a boy that you know now. I won't spoil the surprise but he is one of the kindest boys you know and he will try to support you through this diagnoses but you'll push him away. Don't worry. He won't hold that against you in 5 years. You will marry him and he will be your best friend. 

6. As much as you feel like your body is turning against you and torturing you during your period. It's going to be the means to a beautiful, blessed child one day! 

7. Don't try to wear clothes that flare up your pain just because you think you have to be trendy! Also, believe it or not leggings will come back into fashion! 

8. Ask Dr. Brown for zofran! It's a miracle drug that helps the nausea. You'll eventually become allergic to it but enjoy it while you can.

9. I'm so proud of you for working so hard to keep up with other kids in school even though you're doing it mostly from home! Keep it up and you will graduate with your class, I know that seems impossible now.

10. Last but definitely not least- you are not IC. You have IC. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are faithful. You are kind. You are hilarious. You are loved by your family and God. 

Day 3, 4 and 5 of IC Awareness Month!

Day 3's assignment for IC Awareness Month was to pick a theme song for your IC... Which is funny because a few months ago I wrote this little ditty to the tune of the chorus of Last Kiss by Pearl Jam...

"Oh flare oh flare would ya leeeave me be? Lord please take this away from me. My Pain's eleven and I know it's not good... when I just want to saaaay bad words!"

Haha I crack myself up!

Day 4's assignment was to write what IC has taught you about yourself... We have to submit our answers by midnight of the day and I posted it at 12:03 this morning so it's short and sweet but so true about myself!

I’ve heard a few times how lucky I am that I was diagnosed with IC so young because I don’t know what life is like without IC so I don’t miss it as much… Interesting theory…

The truth of the matter is I have no idea who I would be today without IC… it has molded me into the person I am… in good ways and bad! The bad seem obvious and hardly worth mentioning but the many positive attributes I have gained by serving my sentence of life with IC have been surprisingly beneficial.

I would say the biggest gift IC has given me is my ability to laugh and smile through whatever life throws at me. It’s funny because I feel like people underestimate my pain because I’m a cheerful girl usually with a smile and joke nearby but they actually have it backwards! It’s because I am so sick that I can smile and laugh every day.

Some days I have to laugh so I don’t cry… some days I laugh in the midst of level 10 pain… some days I make jokes to convince my family that I really am doing okay… some days I just don’t know what else to do.

No matter the reason, the ability to smile through the pain has benefited me in my everyday life more than I can even say. Keeping my heavy life lighthearted and fun isn't always easy but it reminds me that I am so blessed. I have a loving family who understands my craziness and self proclaimed hilarity but many people just don’t understand.

What would they have me do? Constantly moan and cry out protests from the pain? I’ve tried that… it doesn't work!  

So I laugh and I joke. I joke about my interstims being trackers, fax machines, iPods, and garage openers. I joke about wetting my pants: “if peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis”. I joke about being on Medicare at 26.

I guess my favorite part about this unique gift is the peace it gives my loved ones. It is a lot of pressure to know what to say and how to act around someone who is chronically ill but when I smile and laugh, I give them permission to do the same which breaks down walls around them.

IC is a part of me and in some ways I’m thankful for it. The gifts it has given me almost… ALMOST… outweigh the pain and agony of the disease.

Then today was Day 5 and the assignment was to make a list of things that your thankful for and then hang it in the bathroom (where a lot of our pain happens) to remind us that we are blessed. So I did this...

Yes that's written on toilet paper... I thought it would be fitting! :o)

I'm enjoying all these challenges that make us think outside of ourselves and our IC while spreading the word about IC! 

One more thing I want to share... my husband works for a big company in downtown Seattle and they put a bit article in their monthly newsletter about IC Awareness Month, complete with an awesome description of IC and the official slogan with  picture! So cool! 

The Weed.

Happy IC Awareness Month!!! 

Every day in September I will be writing something to spread awareness of this horrible disease that is impacting more and more people every day! I know of a 7 year old little girl who was just diagnosed and I know 60 year old man who was as well and lots of women in between! This disease is not prejudice, it affects anyone it please! 

Yesterday the challenge was to name our bladder and thanks to my clever husband we came up with El Vejiga Diablo (the devil bladder in spanish). 

The assignment for today was to write a poem about how IC has POSITIVELY impacted my life... Poetry always makes me feel very vulnerable and I don't share much but here it is for all to see! 

The Weed.

The weeds in a garden 

Must seem like its enemy 

Constantly encroaching 

And hindering growth 

Keeping tulips and tomatoes

From flourishing

With ease and fertility

But how fresh and abundant

Would that garden be

That flourished in spite

Of weeds and hardship

As a young lady growing 

Into the woman

I have become

IC was my weed

No gardener could hold this 

Particular weed at bay 

So it reared its heads

Yielding its thistly leaves 

I thought it was

Holding me back 

From growth

From life

From positivity 

Until one day I realized 

I may have not bloomed 

As a healthy girl may

As a carefully weeded garden might 

But my roots were deep 

My stem was strong 

I persevered

I grew. 

I blossomed

With prickly weeds entangled 

I became more than a meer flower

I became a sturdy, enduring woman

The IC made me stronger

Just like weeds makes

Any resilient flower

Now as a woman,

A veteran of the battles:

Good vs evil. 

Weed vs flower.

IC vs life. 

I know I am who I am

Because of my daily battle

With this encroaching and hindering

Weed of a disease.

I will continue to flourish amongst my IC

Using it to strengthen me

The flower will do the same with the weeds.

We will both produce abundantly