The humble daisy

Today is my Mom's birthday! Happy Birthday Mom! I started out writing a card to go along with her gifts but I immediately realized unless I bought a small forest worth of cards I wouldn’t be able to get everything I wanted to say jammed on there so I wrote a letter and thought I would share it because that's what I do. (Hi, I'm Deni and I over share. I have not over-shared for... well I'm doing it right now... I'm not sure how effective the Over Share Anonymous meetings have been...) So here is what I wrote... 

Happy Birthday! The three of us love you so much, thank you for all that you do every single day! I can only pray that God will give me the love, patience, endurance, and selflessness to be the type of Mom to Titus that you have been to me since my first cry.

To quote a movie that we both love, you’ve Got Mail- “I love daisies, they’re so friendly. Don’t you think they’re the friendliest flower?” I really do agree with Miss Kathleen Kelly! They are so friendly and make people smile. Who can be sad around a daisy flower? Not even the dirt on the ground that they grow from can feel forlorn when it looks up and sees this happy flower blooming from its filthy self. Drew Barrymore once said, “Daisies are like sunshine to the ground.” I totally agree with that as well!

I don’t know why or when Daisies became “our” flower… I don’t just like daisies by myself, I like them with you. Maybe you liked them and, like most daughters who want to be just like their moms, I decided to love them as well. Then perhaps over time they did become my own very favorite flower.

Either way, any time I see them I can’t help but smile. They are happy and friendly but more than that they make me think of you! Whether they’re nestled in a gorgeous bouquet at a farmers market, perfectly placed in a glass vase in a centerpiece at my wedding, or growing as a weed alongside a busy road they make me happy. Not just happy like I feel when I’m eating a heaping bowl of ice cream but the kind of happiness I feel when I hear Titus giggles.

I decided to do a little research on this topic of daisies because you can’t love something so much without knowing it thoroughly and the results were astonishing.

I found out I don’t like daisies because they’re simple, friendly, pretty, or unassuming and definitely not because of their smell. I like them because they are you and you are them. I understand that this sounds like the ramblings of a crazy, artsy street urchin hobo but bear with me as I prove what I just discovered to be true.

Fact about Daisies #1

A daisy is a “vascular plant” which simply means that they circulate goodness throughout themselves to survive.

Fact about You #1

You have more goodness circulating in you than anyone I’ve ever known. However, you don’t use your goodness to survive… you use your goodness to help others survive.

Fact about Daisies #2

The name daisy comes from an Old English word that means “Days Eye” because they open at dawn.

Fact about You #2

For the past 28 years you have been waking up at dawn, or any other time day or night, to take care of your family. Whether it’s to soothe a crying baby, make a pizza, or take someone’s temperature… you wake up whenever anyone needs you.

Fact about Daisies #3

Daises represent purity and innocence.

Fact About you #3

No one could be described with those same two words like you could be, especially pure. You’re pure love, joy, selflessness, and devotion.

Fact about Daisies #4

A daisy is actually two flowers in one.

Fact about You #4

You are many people in one. You are a wife, a mother, a mother-in-law, a grandmother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, a cousin, a friend, and so on... You are so much, to so many.

Fact about Daisy #5

Daisies have many medicinal qualities. They can help things like easing a cough and even slow bleeding.

Fact about You #5

This is the most surprising fact of all because years ago no one would have guessed it but now you’re just a framed paper hanging on the wall away from being a doctor. When we were young you healed our owies and boo boo’s with a kiss and now our ailments are more extreme. In order for you to take care of your family, you became much more extreme. The way you care for our family and treat our various injuries and complaints 24/7 is beyond anything found in nature.

Fact about Daisy #6

Due to their color and scent daises attract Bee’s more than any other flower.

Fact about You #6

You always smell delightfully sweet yet elegant and dress in beautifully bold yet simply soft hues but your colors and smells aren’t what attract people to you. People can feel your kindness and care from miles away and are immediately drawn to you. 

Fact about Daisies #7

The daisy family is the second largest family of flowering plants. Some daisies are big, some are small, and they come in various colors, not one looking like another yet are all beautiful.

Fact about You #7

You come from a large family that steadily grows as the years go by. There aren’t two family members the same. Each person is unique, significant and special in their own ways.

Fact about Daisies #8

Daisies thrive in typically inhospitable conditions that most flowers wouldn’t stand a chance to grow in, much less thrive.

Fact about You #8

You have not only survived difficult times of life but you have thrived! All the financial ups and downs, the sicknesses, the heart break, the changes, and the challenges have not broken you. Not only do you come out all that on top… You come out with a smile, a plate of fresh cookies, humming an old hymn (even if Zach thinks they’re slave songs…) and a heart full of faith that God is with you.

After typing these facts I have made a new discovery! You’re not a daisy, a daisy isn’t you. As much as we love those lovely, simple, happy, humble flowers… You are even more.

Although realizing that doesn’t change anything, I still love daisies. I will always love daisies because they remind me of you. Actually it would be more accurate to say they remind me of us.

I’m so very thankful that through the most inhospitable conditions we have been through together we thrive together by somehow using the hardships, the tough rocky soil, to get stronger and become even closer.

Happy Birthday, Mom. Thank you for using your adversity to make you better, for being selfless to make us better, for being friendly, happy, humble, hardworking, and giving just like a simple, elegant, beautiful daisy.

Love,

Your Daughter

Deni

On the day I was born! 

Mommy snuggles are the best!

We always had so much fun! 

Right in front of the White house, we traveled a lot growing up!

Visiting Mom at work, Aerofab Racing days! 

Mother of the bride! 

First time she met Titus!

"The best Mom's are promoted to Grandmas!"

At the Zoo!

Tractor ride for Titus!

Me and the 3 people I love most in the world!

My Mom and her girls all grown up! 

Even when you turn... eh... a certain age... Your Mom brings you cake and candles! Love these 3!

Now… As I have told you before… Even when I write things that have nothing to do with IC, although this one does because truly I could not have gotten through the last almost 15 years of having this disease without this woman who’s birthday is today, I still post them on my blog. It can’t be helped.

I printed this note and put it in a nice box, wrapped it, and gave it to my Mom along with a big bunch of daisies and a pretty gold daisy necklace. She read this sobbing her eyes out and then after she thanked me 134 times she said, “I hope I can live up to all this”. That in and of itself is another example of why my Mom and these humble yet beautifully elegant flowers are so alike.

I pray that each of you that comes across this blog that has IC has someone in their life even half as wonderful as my Mom!

All this started with me writing a card but then it turned into an 8 page report on the similarities of daisies and my Mom. Don’t ask me why. It just happens all the time... But this time I thought I would share it with all of you as a tribute to all the Moms out there for Mother's Day coming up on Sunday! 

With my Mom's birthday today and Mothers day on Sunday, this whole weekend will be a celebration of my Mom and all the other amazing mother that I look up to! 

So Happy Mother’s Day to the amazing women in my life that have, and continue to, make me who I am and who encourage, support, and love me through life, my illness, and motherhood. I love you: Grandma, Aunt Claudia, Aunt Ginna, Mother-in-law’s Charmaine and Ruth, my sisters Dana and Jeny, my amazing cousins- Karly, Katie, Jamie, Michelle, Emily, and Dorianne and so many other wonderful women!

As for the Mothers who have IC, you’re my greatest inspirations! Thank you for pushing through this horrid disease and still putting your children before yourself. You doing that pushes me to be the best Mom I can be even in the depth of end stage IC that tries to rob every good thing in our lives.

Most of all… Thank you to my sweet blonde haired, blue eyed miracle that made me a Mom 2 ½ years ago and continues to love me the way only a toddler boy can love his Mom. Thank you for your patience, your tolerance, your trust, your faith, your smile, your snuggles, and most of all… Thank you for your love. I promise I am doing everything in my power to be the best Mom I can be every single day, for each day and for the future. Thank you for calling me Momma!

Where it all began!

Snuggling with 2 week old Titus!

Pumpkin Patch 2011

So proud at Titus' baby dedication! 

At the beach visiting Jeny in California 2012

4th of July 2012 (Notice the daisy????)

Titus loves his Momma! His first birthday pictures! 

Titus' First Birthday!

At the Pumpkin Patch 2012

Visiting a BIG fire truck! 

Playing in the snow! 

Fun in the alligator pool!

At the 4th of July parade 2013 

Titus and Mommy on Titus' 2nd Birthday!

Playing with his new toys on Christmas 2013

Titus visited me at the hospital several times the last few months! 

Dyeing Easter Eggs

 Happy Mother’s Day to all the good, sacrificial, pure, innocent, care taking, all-in-one, sweet, strong, and enduring daisy Moms out there!

    

It takes a village

Hey readers! I have been missing you all so much! I have started 3 blogs but for some reason half way through I decide they just don’t have the right feel. You my brilliant, suffering IC sisters need more than me droning on about my surgery update my IC diet progress, or a dining out induced flare. You need encouragement and motivation!

So I will just quickly summarize first. Surgery went well- lots of endometriosis and ovary stuck to wall. Recovery went well too and now all the cramps are gone! I have been sticking to the IC diet exclusively and have been feeling pretty great. My Dad was in the hospital for 4 days with heart problems. He’s home now and doing much better. We had a busy, stressful weekend and ended up eating out several times and now I’m in a bad flare!

Seriously, I am suddenly in a deep hole of a flare with no ladder, no rope, and no sense of how long I'll be stuck here. I am having severe pain that never dips below a 7 unless I’m in the peak of the drug cycle. I’m having frequency that’s having me going pee every hour or so and I’m even waking up several times in the night to pee. Of course then it’s nearly impossible to fall back to sleep because it hurts so badly. My urgency is intense too. If I don’t go immediately when I need to I lose completely control of my bladder and empty it then and there wherever I am. I have peed in the car, on the couch, in bed, on the kitchen chair, ect, ect. I've ditched pants all together to avoid having buckets of soggy, pee drenches pants to be washed. My new uniform is any long t-shirt (my favorites are my hubby’s well worn and snuggly ones) and a fetching pink robe. It’s not too atrocious looking…

At least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself.

So I am taking narcotics around the clock and spending lots of time sleeping off the meds and the pain or in the shower. So that leaves my handsome 18 month old son, mommy-less, which brings me to the title of this blog. 

Pretty much every blog I mention my son, Titus, how could I not? He's the most brilliant, adorable human God ever created! (Perhaps some bias involved in that statement...)

Anyway, I struggle with feeling like I'm not good enough for him. God gave this perfect child to such an imperfect Mom but then I remember that God knows me well and he is a good God, so he gave me what I could handle! SO! God gifted me a perfect angel baby! Don’t get me wrong… he’ll fling himself to the ground when he doesn’t get to play with the cheese grater but he does it cautiously and after handing over the weapon.

Yesterday while laying in bed after a drug induced nap I heard Titus giggling and then I heard the deep soothing cadence of my Grandpa's voice as he read to his Great-Grandson a Thomas the Train book. In spite of my pain and drug soggy brain I smiled as I realized...

Titus isn't missing out when I’m flared. On the contrary, he's the luckiest boy ever. Not only does he get to spend lots of down time with his mommy who adores him and his daddy who loves to play with him. He gets to hang out with his Grandma and Poppa who think he's literally made of gold and should be cherished as such. Also his Great Grandparents who love him maybe even more than his Mommy (probably not though… they like me a lot, I’m the baby heh heh)! Plus my sister, Jeny comes over and helps with him a lot and shows him how to do naughty, silly things like puppy kisses (basically licking people, ew.) If that's not enough he has more aunties and uncles, cousins and second cousins, and two other sets of Grandparents that are always happy to spend time with him!

At least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself…

Sometimes I feel guilty that the time spent with me is usually low key. Playing blocks, driving cars, even watching cartoons on occasion but you know what that means?!? He's so snugly with me! He is more lovey with me than anyone else, he can barely help it! He wraps his chubby arms around my neck and squeezes so hard and he showers me in a variety of kisses including Eskimo, butterfly, good old smooches and of course puppy kisses (thank you Jeny). Granted, sometimes his overwhelming love is uncontainable and all he can do is take a small bite of his momma! Truth be told… the words “I just want to gobble him up” have slipped out many times so maybe it’s just pay back?

I guess it doesn't literally take a village to raise kids in our culture and time but I think a child that is lucky enough to be raised by many generations and relations is a blessed child indeed! He will be shaped and molded by many! He will have different perspectives, learn things I don't know, do things I don't do, and become his own unique blend of all these adoring family members. 

Maybe he'll have his Dads knack for knowing random facts, his Grandma's pure compassionate heart, his Poppa's teasing nature, his Great Grandparent's wisdom, his uncle Jared's quick wit... Ect, ect! If he took something from each of these people that love him and will guide him throughout his life, he will surely be a great man. 

At least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself…

But seriously... Give yourself a break my IC sisters! We live with debilitating pain and symptoms every day! I guarantee there are people in each of our lives that love us and think we're marvelous, who would be honored to help us! Whether it is by watching your kids for you, making you some dinner, or even just letting you vent to them. Let them help and let your children be blessed by experiencing new things with other people that love them! Do it for your family members who feel useless to help your pain, do it for your kids, and mostly do it for yourselves.

These people are here for us to ease our burdens. We aren't meant to do it on our own and truth be told with IC, we can't do it on our own whether we like it or not.

On that note thank you so much to all my loved ones who have taken Titus and me under their wings. I am so happy that I have so many people in my life that I trust to teach, guide, take care of, and play with Titus. I will admit, it can be hard to miss out on things and not have the opportunity to experience every tiny thing he does but I am so happy these people that love him are getting to experience with him! Not only are we lucky that they can help but I like to think that they are lucky to spend time with my brilliant and entertaining little critter.

At least that what I’m going to keep telling myself…



SIDE NOTE: I started a new facebook group for people trying to live the IC Friendly Lifestyle! I have already learned some great tips and recipes on there, please come join us! https://www.facebook.com/groups/iclife/

The Fraud

Happy late Mothers Day to all my favorites Mommies out there, you mommies who I adore and look up to personally and to you daily ah-inspiring IC mamas.

My husband and 8 month old son really spoiled me for my very first Mothers Day. They got me a fancy video camera and a Tiffany and Co charm for my necklace that Zach got me when he proposed; it is a little padlock with a T for Titus inside. I felt very blessed and all that day we lazed about and ate yummy food. I got into bed feeling completely content and pleased with the day celebrating my first year of being a Mommy as well as my own Mom.

Then lying in bed that night I started thinking… that’s what always gets me into trouble… and the evil magic seed of doubt and guilt was planted in my head and grew at an alarming rate. Now here I am 3 days later convinced that I not only did not deserve any thing for Mothers Day but that I am a complete fraud and the FBI should be called.

Yes, Zach and I conceived Titus. Yes, I carried him in my womb for 9 months while struggling with IC and hyperemesis gravidarum (which is severe and persistent nausea and vomiting). Yes, I was sawed in half to bring him into the world. Yes, he has drunk milk I produced since day one. Yes, he slept in a bassinet in our room for the first 3 months of his life. Yes, I have made homemade solid food since he could eat it. Yes, I have done all that and much more but still I can’t help feeling like a lovable aunt rather than his Mommy.

I guess it all started when I had to have my first surgery post-baby when he was 2 months old… I started to rely on my Mom when I was unable to do so many things that I needed to do. At that age he was so sweet! He ate well and was happy to lie in my arms while I rested and watched unhealthy amounts of reality TV.

Then I recovered from that and my endometriosis started acting up which ticks my IC off… so more shower time for me, and more Grandma time for Titus. I would sit in the shower and hear him out there living his little baby life crying or chattering away. Some times I closed the door or covered my ears so it wouldn’t hurt so bad to hear all that I was missing.

While dealing with that I got shingles which could have caused him to get chicken pox with no trouble, so I had to stay covered head to toe and try to hold him as little as possible except to nurse him… which was an interesting plight while trying to expose as little skin as possible.

Oh and don’t let me forget throughout that time I had two bouts of mastitis, constant nausea, occasional vomiting, a serious rash from dehydration, and I was diagnosed with post partum depression.

Before I knew it I was back in the operating room for another surgery with strict instructions to not lift Titus for at least 6 weeks post-op. That was 5 ½ weeks ago… Tears are welling up in my eyes as I tell you about the last 5 ½ weeks…

The first two weeks I pumped Titus’ milk and my Mom or Zach fed him, changed him, put him to sleep, got him up, played with him, they did every thing. They would come by for visits but I was timing my pumping and my narcotics doses so I was either in extreme pain waiting to pump so I could take meds or not very coherent from all the medicine.

Finally I felt like I was up to nursing him… so I got comfortable in my bed, positioned the boppy, and the Mom/ Zach team put Titus right up to his “milk bar”, at first he latched on but quickly unlatched and cried on and off for the whole feeding. My back was hurting so bad I could barely breathe, my nipple was raw because I lost the protective calluses from not nursing, and worst of all I was more discouraged than I knew I could be.

I was tempted to switch Titus to formula but my heart hurt every time I thought of it. Some times those 15 minutes every 4 hours were all I got with him, even if they were spent in pure agony… I got to hold my suckling satisfied baby, pet his downy hair that was growing in unruly fuzzy patterns, kiss his pudgy fingers, stroke his roly-poly limbs that seemed grown over night, and know that I was feeding my child with the body that betrayed me every single day.

So I forged on. The surgery pain got better… I could do more and most days narcotics-free but due to my strict rules I still couldn’t lift or carry my baby. So I found myself not even making an effort to wake up when he was up or spend time with him because I felt discouraged by how little I could do. Before I knew it every time I would try to hold him he would just cry… My Mom convinced me it was because he related me with eating and was just disappointed to not be getting a treat. But really is that any better? That the only time I held my child was to feed him so that was my only value to him?!?

My mom and Zach would try to make me feel included, talking about his schedule and wondering if it was time for a nap but I couldn’t even talk about it because I didn’t know. I knew what time he ate but that was it… they were in charge of the rest. I didn’t even know how they put him to sleep any more. Did they sing the same songs I used to? Did the read the books the way I did? Or would he just snuggle up with his blankie and bunny and go right to sleep like I always wished I could teach him to. Some times I would watch him on the video monitor and feel physical pain in my heart. I missed him and wanted to be his mommy again…

During the night was the worst, he usually slept through the night but if he ever woke up there was nothing I could do. I took pain medicine most nights to relieve the agony that a day full of tension caused so I worried I wouldn’t hear him… and even if I did I couldn’t get him out of the crib anyway. So my mom took the monitor and rocked him if he woke up with his painful new teeth breaking through his gums. When he woke up in the morning she brought him into my bed and I nursed him then when he finished she took him away to start the day with my baby and I went back to sleep. I reminded myself my body is going through a lot and I need rest but… I still wonder if I am a fraud.

Days turned into weeks and now here we are… it’s almost 6 weeks and my back is still sore from surgery and I am having more incontinence issues than ever before. I have barely left the house for fear of wetting my pants in pubic. Worst of all, I still can’t lift or carry Titus! We are both relying 100% on my Mom and Zach. It’s exhausting for all of us and I’m sure they are just as anxious for me to be back to “normal” as soon as possible. Really though, what is normal for me? I will never be able to devote my life 100% to him he will never be able to depend on me 100%...

I know on paper I am a mother and I work very hard for Titus every day, even if that just means taking care of me. I am not the typical stay at home mom but I do what I can. I am Titus’ Mom and the only one he has so I have to buck up and “grow a pair” as my extremely classy husband would say. I guess I can’t berate myself for not being able to do the things that I am not able… just like no one would criticize a “normal” working mom for putting their kids in daycare.

I am so thankful for my Mom who supports me physically when I can’t be the Mom I want to be. Also for supporting me emotionally as she sits on her metal folding chair next to the shower soothing my mind when I feel completely inadequate and depressed by my seemingly impossible situation. She is the perfect Grandma for Titus and the perfect Mom for me…

I am so thankful for my husband… who has been through so much with me through the last 5 years and is still by my side every day… even after I pee my pants at the dinner table two nights in a row… oops. He writes me notes almost daily reassuring me that I am the perfect mom for Titus, maybe some day I’ll believe him…