My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 4 months but since I've been suppressing my period since I was 12 (except the year it took to get pregnant with our almost 2 year old son) it's been tricky. My doctor put me on a scheduled hormone plan to induce my period. In spite of all the hormones and things that go with it... the dag blasted thing wouldn't start.
Then due to a bunch of reasons described throughly in my last blog, we decided to stop trying and go ahead with a hysterectomy. So I got off the estrogen immediately since it was wrecking havoc on my body in other ways.
That was a week ago and guess what happened... My period just started...
I've been suppressing it for this long for a reason! It's hell. Yep, I said it... Not h-e-double hockey sticks. Hell. It's deep, dark, scorching and torturous.
Each time I got off the hormones trying to induce a " withdrawal bleed" I booked out a whole week so I could suffer in peace. I knew what I was getting into, the first period after almost 3 years was going to be brutal. But. It was for a baby. I would endure it for this cherub known only in my heart.
Now I'm just filthy with pain. Covered in it. Head to toe. With no purpose. In fact now we have to deliberately be careful and protected so I don't get pregnant...
It's just cruel.
For a normal person a period is annoying, for a person with interstitial cystitis a period is painful, for a person with endometriosis a period is brutal, for a person with both... There is no word.
I won't even attempt to explain the pain that's happening right now... A very snarky pipsqueak in high school called me Webster because I like to use big, expressive words. But I have no combination of words to describe the sheer agony.
Can I just give you a run down on my last month.... It started with a uti and intense nausea that wouldn't go away. Then I had an allergic reaction that caused seizures and sent me to the icu for 5 days. Then I couldn't walk and kept falling as I recovered from the seizures. Then I found out I should never be pregnant again and decided to go ahead with the hysterectomy. Then I got another uti. Now my period is full on. Next I have my Botox surgery on Monday.
Home girl needs a break! I'm not saying a lavish vacation or extravagant dinner out... I'm saying a day to sit outside under the shade tree without my heating pad or fear of wetting my pants, and to be able to get up and walk whenever I see fit.
I'm sure I'm going to look back on this last month and laugh... Well maybe not actually...
I'm no stranger to hardship and pain but this month has really raised the bar! Good thing I have support from loved ones as a ladder and strength from God, I can still reach and hang on to that bar! (This hallmark moment brought to you by raging hormones)
I'm really trying to not having a pity party but things have been grim around here lately... I better go eat some ice cream, that will help.
Ugghhhh... The emotional and physical pain of this unexpected period is wearing me down... I just had to vent. Thanks for letting me dear readers!
Oh Deni my heart breaks for you guys! I know you wanted another baby and I have no idea why you didn't get preggo. I do know that you are amazing, and things will turn around. I could give you all the churcheese stuff about this could be a blessing in disguise and God can heal you, and all that. Don't get me wrong, but while it is true it isn't helpful in these moments when everything seems to be SHIT! A time will come for that.
ReplyDeleteI love you lady friend and Steve and I are here for you guys in any way you need us. I am so proud of your bravery in taking the time to share your life's deepest darkest moments with us thru this blog. You truly are a talented writer and just a pretty awesome chick in general!
Sorry I said a bad word on your blog. My apologies to all your readers, I never say bad words but it just didn't seem to do it justice without it...kinda like some movies :) hahaha
LOVES!
Holls
Thanks girl... It really just sucks. I love that everyone is trying to help but I have to admit the canned Christian "comforts" are driving me crazy. I know our God is huge and in control, I'm not doubting Him. But I'm allowed to be pissed about this SHIT lol. So thanks for confirming that... I know some days will be harder than others... But I'm so blessed to have awesome family and friends to vent to when it just sucks.
DeleteLove you dear friend
Deni,
ReplyDeleteFirst things first, I will go find that snarky pipsqueak and torture her physically with a thesaurus (kind a like a brick isn't it?) and 13 perfectly sharpened pencils (one for each year of schooling till high school ends). Actually I won't do it, my tribe of Ninja warriors that dress in violet spandex wrapped in barbed wire (google "violetpetalstudy" to understand this reference, ugh!)will do the honors. The pain of Endometriosis and IC while having a period is indescribable. I went through it for many years, not knowing I either disease.I would not just dread my period each month with perfect regularity, but lived in fear that I wouldn't be able to handle it and honestly might try to get knocked out (no, not knocked up at that time). I had visions of walking into a scary biker bar and picking a fight so someone would punch me or hit me with a tire iron and I would be unconscious. Because of enduring this severe pain, when I was having contractions 1 minute apart, in labor with my first child, the nurse on duty sent me home saying "come back in a few days when you are experiencing the worst pain of your life" while she demonstrated that a REAL contraction would cause me to double over and drop to the floor screaming. I took her at her word, and when I came back 7 hours later I walked out of the hospital elevator dilated to 10 with the baby's head visible! That same nurse said, "why didn't you come in sooner?" and I explained I wasn't in the "worst pain of my life" in fact labor turns out to be easy compared to Endo and IC during a period! For years I thought I was just a big wimp and that all women experienced the same pain level when they got their periods. I remember trying "Midol" because other girls had told me it worked wonders on the pain of cramping. I was more than disappointed with that one. I wasn't diagnosed with Endo till 2005, and had my first surgery for it in 2007. It grew back, so in 2010 I had surgery again with an Endo expert, and she removed all of it, plus my uterus and cervix and I have never again had Endo pain, thank GOD! I was diagnosed at the same time with IC, Pelvic Floor Dysfunction, and continued Pelvic Pain Syndrome due to the nerves being activated by my brain as it ran the "pain loop" despite the missing organ that cramps (the uterus). It is no where near as painful, and through a new set of skills to relax, reduce stress and anxiety and to "retrain" my brain, I can proudly say that my diseases and residual pain are much less. The level is controllable and livable. I know you can do this Deni, and achieve the same or even better (full remission) results! I will help and support you and any one else dealing with this as much as I can! Love, Leslie