Silent Night

I consider myself a writer... I have for a long time even before I started this blog. I have written numerous poems and started many novels (key word- started). Two of my poems have actually been published. (I wonder where those books are... Probably in the mysterious box of my coats that I haven't seen since our move over a year ago...) 

I know this blog is meant to be about my life and battle with IC but sometimes I just need to write. 

So if you're an IC follower feel free to stop reading and come back next time. 

But I just have to write this and I may as well post it, you all know I wet the bed regularly... So let's face it, I don't really keep things to myself. 

Growing up one of my very favorite nights was Christmas Eve. It was magical. We went to church, then out to dinner at a Mexican restaurant, then we rode home with our eyes glued to the sky searching for rudolfs nose. 

Even with all the wonder, magic and joy that night held I still think my favorite part was sitting in church surrounded by my family when the sanctuary would go dark then one by one candles were lit throughout the place until a soft glow flickered.

Then we would all sing silent night while holding our tiny candles with the handy hot wax guard. It gave me goosebumps and even as a child it filled my heart with wonder and gratitude for Jesus humbling himself and coming to earth as a baby. 

Silent night has been a special song to me since then. It's not just a Christmas carol, it's a worship song. 

I remember telling my mom that someday, before I died, I would sing it for an audience. 

Fast forward to last night. We've had a busy few days and Titus' beloved schedule has gone off the rails! He usually happily goes right to sleep at 7pm after reading a bible story, saying a prayer, and turning on his white noise. But last night he got out of bed and cried at the door calling for me after we tucked him in.

So after a while I went in to see if there was some sort of issue... He was really wound up. I laid him in his bed, covered him up with his "key keys" (blankets) and then I laid next to him.

In his tiny little toddler bed mind you. (If you haven't seen a toddler bed in a while just know that it's the same mattress as his crib... ) I laid on my side with my legs bent and he snuggled up in front of me. Like we were ying and yang. Then he said "sing mama".  

I snuggled him back and I sang. 

Silent night

Holy night

All is calm

All it bright

Round yon virgin

Mother and child

Holy infant so

Tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace.

I laid by him softly singing wonderful, worshipful Christmas songs for about 20 minutes. Then I started to slowly get up but his eyes popped open and his tiny arm shot out from under his blankets and pushed my head back to the pillow so our noses were just an inch apart. I sang Silent Night one more time and his beautiful eye lashes blinked several times until they gave in and his eyes closed. 

Suddenly I realized my dream had been fulfilled. It wasn't as my 8 year old mind had envisioned it but it was better. Oh, so much better! 

My heart thundered and my eyes burned from the misty tears trying to escape. My pitchy voice cracked even more.

I let my song quietly end and I just laid there in his tiny bed breathing in his exhale. Petting his downy head. Rubbing his back that seems impossibly small yet massive compared to this time two years ago.

This was the best audience I could ever have hoped for. He loves me no matter what. He loves me so hard he can't even see my many imperfections. He just wants me right there. An inch away from his face, whisper singing him a Christmas song while rubbing his back, knowing he is loved back times a million. 

After one more chorus while choking back tears I prayed. For him to feel peace and comfort in his bed and know how thoroughly loved he is by is mommy, his daddy and most of all by God! 

As I started to get up I told him mommy had to go to her bed but I'd see him in the morning. He blinked a few more long blinks and then he slept in heavenly peace. 

Thank you God. For this season, for this child you entrusted us with, for the many blessings you have given us, for my family, for Jesus. 

Amen. 

Merry Christmas!