Better.

What does the word better mean to you? The first two things I think of is Doc McStuffins and that weird wannabe butter stuff. Let us dissect that...

My kid has a disabled mom so we watch cartoons slightly more often than I would prefer but we try to pick educational shows and pat ourselves on the back when he spouts out the difference between a crocodile and an alligator or the definition of empathy. I've seen them all so many times that now I delve further into episodes and create deeper plots within plots. I have some written down... In Daniel Tiger I'm pretty sure X the Owl and Mrs. Pussycat are having an affair... Opposites attract, living in the same tree, single parents... I get it. Then in paw patrol, what's up with Alex? Where are his parents? I think if they were around more he wouldn't be making such poor choices all the time. Of course there is the age old questions about Mickey Mouse, why is Pluto like a real dog and Goofy can speak and wear clothes? Speaking of which... Why doesn't Donald Duck wear pants unless he's swimming? 

Doc McStuffins is kind of a mystery to me. Admittedly my child has an extreme aversion to "girly" things which would include Doc McStuffins in his mind so I haven't had time to analyze it fully, I'm sure there is some hidden plot in there somewhere. 

For those of you who don't have tiny humans controlling the remote, Doc McStuffins is a little girl who fixes toys... At the end she and the speaking toys (obviously) sing a song that goes "I feel better, so much better, thank you doc for taking all my ouchies away, I didn't feel so good until you fixed me up like I knew that you would." It's catchy. Anyway. She fixes the toys and they're better... Moving on. 

If you know me you know I love to cook and I love to eat. Both of which I love to do with butter. Real butter! Don't even try to give me margarine or any cheap oil based "replacement". Ew. I would rather have no butter than fake butter... Any time "butter" comes in a tub it's not butter and it's definitely not better than butter. The only, and I mean the ONLY, thing that's even worth mentioning about it is that it spreads nicely even if it's been in the fridge. 

So there is 1 teeny advantage of this suspicious substitute. It spreads while cold. Whoop de doo. Now... If someone on team butter replacement and I were debating which is better they would have 1 valid point. In one way it is slightly better but then I would rebuttals that if left out for just a while or even microwaved for a few seconds butter is also spreadable. It's also more delicious. Which always wins. 

So would the butter judge think that the one slight advantage is worthy of considering? I like to think not, but that weird guy that apparently spends his life defending butter replacements could still walk away saying that his weird non-solid, non-liquid substance is better than butter. Without me there advocating for the pure delight that is butter maybe he could convince those that are uninformed and undecided. 

He would be right. It is "better" than butter in one relatively inconsequential way so he could just say it's better without specifying it's only better in one way or talking about all the ways it's simply not better. 

Now that I've gone down a dark trail of distraction... Which was not the first or last time that will happen about butter... Let me get to my point. 

My UTI/ kidney infection is gone! Hooray! Also, I'm completely off pain meds! Hooray! Both are huge feats and way more exciting than straight out of the fridge spreadability. 

However... I'm still not better. I mean I'm better in two huge categories but you don't just get "better" in a couple weeks after being sick for most of your life. So I guess that's the question if the word better means you're doing less worse than you were or if it means you're totally normal now. I don't know. 

Here's what I do know.... I was able to drive myself to target the other day! But I was so weak and dizzy that I almost passed out in the baking isle. I was able to go to church and have my whole family over but I was so sore and exhausted for days. Each day has it progress and its setbacks. I am completely off narcotics once again but the withdrawals were heavy and thick for days. 

My muscles are very angry with me... My heart and mind are telling me I'm feeling "better" so I should get up and do life but then my muscles are like whoa where's the hurry?! I'm also exhausted all the time, no matter how much I sleep. Which reminds me, my sleep schedule is still all wonky from having to wake up super early in the morning to take meds. 

I would say worst of all my stomach is still so cranky! I don't know why! I really don't... Tuesday I was debilitatingly nauseated all day. My nausea patch had worn off so maybe it was that but it was not a good day, I didn't feel better. It just felt different than the last issue.  I'm also still having sweat inducing cramping and all over abdominal pain. 

Also. Have I mentioned I have a hernia under my biggest incision? So far nothing important has been trapped in there so we're just leaving it alone but it hurts when I use the muscles in that area to sit up or whatever.

  Aren't you glad you chose to read this?

So to answer the burning question... Yes, I feel better but still far from best. God has, and continues to, bless my family and me abundantly amidst the most tumultuous trials and tribulations but I'm still sick. I have a Urostomy, my body has been severely deconditioned, I have a very short ileum, and I've been sick for 15 years. Antibiotics are great but not magic... I still have some issues. 

However, I think God planted a seed of acceptance and I've started to accept that this is my life, some day it may change but for now we forge on with the idea that my body won't be well and perfect until it's renewed in Heaven. 

If you're a friend or family please be patient with me and understand that "better" is a lot different than "well". If you're an IC'er, empower yourself to be honest when people genuinely ask how you are and explain that even when you're doing better IC will never be gone. Lastly... Don't forget that I had my bladder removed and I'm still struggling with so many things. Please don't consider a cystectomy as an easy out! 

In other news... Happy Halloween from the Jovanovich Family! (Another example of excellent TV education, Wild Kratts and panda power!)

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