Hostile Hospital

You'd think I'd be used to being in the hospital considering I can't even calculate how many days I've spent there, especially throughout the last 2 years... But I'm not used to it, I hope I never get used to it. 

Some experiences have been better than others but none have been great. I've realized it's more like being locked in a pastel painted prison than it is like staying in a sterile hotel room. 

The doctor is the warden and the nurses are his correctional officers. There are some gems out there that really do care and take the time to make their patients feel as such but for the most part they tend to take the easy road of no compassion. It's easier to pretend like the patients are just their assignments, not real people whose lives matter. So they dole out instructions and are quick to share their judgement on your choices all while leaving a sense of superiority in their wake. 

As a patient I have become a dependent of "the system". I'm told what and when to eat, when to shower, how much I need to walk, how much I should drink, what medications to take and what dosage, and even what to wear! They test my body as if they're searching for signs of drugs in my system.They document my every move, I'm known by my patient number and date of birth, and openly talked about like I'm a project to handoff at shift change. They poke and prod me thoroughly as if they're searched for contraband while asking if it hurts. Why yes, yes it does!  To complete the juxtaposition of feeling like an inmate working for my prison guard they put an alarm on my bed because they didn't want me walking around without assistance while my blood pressure was low.

However! None of that compares to the interrogation... I'm not sure if there truly are people out there who go to extensive lengths to try to convince doctors that they're horribly ill and in need of the doctors self proclaimed precious attention! I can't speak for those whack jobs but I can tell you that the LAST thing I want to be doing right now is lying in a hospital bed, draped in overly starchy sheets, exhausted from being woken up all night, full of compliance insuring drugs and missing my family and my life. So when they treat me like they're going to catch me in a lie and find out that I am actually healthy my blood starts to simmer. 

They all ask the same questions over and over, they clarify past test results, list the symptoms that I'm lacking, belittle the symptoms I do have, and question my misleading chipper attitude. 

Then they bumble around trying to find a reason to pawn me off on another doctor... Who then starts the process all over again. 

I spent 5 days in the hospital last week and I was worked over and over. The whole reason I went there to begin with was as directed by my doctors to get some IV antibiotics and smash this kidney infection that I've been battling for the good part of 2 months. 

After the hospital doctor tried and failed to find an antibiotic that would work he called in some pretentious infectious disease doctor who declared that not only was I not allergic to most of the meds on my allergy list I also did not have a kidney infection... Despite the white blood cells and bacteria in my urine, the extreme pain and nausea, the rank smelling urine and feeling just overwhelmingly sick. 

       My sad hives from the medicine I was clearly not allergic to... 

His basis of this conclusion was that when he thumped around my back it was painful in a broader area than just where my kidney was and because the antibiotics weren't working. He was very clear that that was his conclusion and I should trust it and move on. 

So there I sat. In so much pain and incredibly nauseous, with no antibiotics or other treatment plans underway. They were treating my symptoms but with the same meds I had at home... 

I spent most of my time resting, analyzing my symptoms, venting and complaining that I was in a hospital that only has UNsalted saltines... I pretty much concluded that only a moron who hated life and wanted others to be miserable as well would have created an unsalted saltine. It's textbook sadistic narcissist behavior! Why would they do that to the much beloved food mascot of hospitals worldwide?. I think it slanders the honorable title of the saltine because truly what is a saltine without salt

Anyway! After a 5 days in the hospital the doctor declared there was nothing more he could do for me and to follow up with my pain management doctor. I gave up, I surrendered to the system. They said I wasn't sick and they didn't want to deal with me anymore so I was vanquished. 

I have to tell you... I was in a real dark place there for a while. Being so miserable and then blatantly told that there's nothing wrong with you is just about the most confusing thing. I was humiliated and angry, I was questioning myself, I was so incredibly discouraged.

I just laid in my bed for a couple days in so much physical and emotional strife. One minute I was so scared that this was going to be my new norm. Then I was afraid that maybe I was so stuck in a world where everything was acute that I mistook the symptoms for something more severe. Minutes later I would be overwhelmingly angry that I was doubting myself. Then I would yell at my beloved family. Then I would cry. 

I had never been so miserable with absolutely no reason why and no possible treatment, I couldn't accept it. So I decided to go to my primary care PA. He knew me, he had treated me for bad infections in the past. 

I was surprisingly nervous as I waited to see him but the moment he came in and started talking I knew he was on my side and that's all I cared about. 

He had read the reports from the hospital which blatantly said it was either all in my head or I was just there for drugs. That crushed me for a minute. I felt the red hot sear of humiliation and anger. 

Thankfully he knows me well enough to know that's just hooey! He also looked at my urine culture, which the hospital doctors didn't even bother to read because they thought it wasn't valid for someone who has an ileal conduit (a piece of intestines as a part of the urinary tract), and discovered I actually had two kinds of bacteria in there! 

So what had been happening was that I would get my urine tested then they would start me on one antibiotic which would kill the one bug then when I wasn't getting better they would test it again and see another kind of bug so they would stop the original antibiotic and start me on a new one... They went back and forth for 2 months never finding both kinds of bacteria at the same time! 

So when that dipstick infectious disease doctor was so sure that it wasn't an infection and took me off all antibiotics my urine test finally showed both bugs!!! 

My amazing pcp felt sure that a big round of a mix of two kinds of antibiotics would do the trick! Of course I'm allergic to one of them so I have to take Benadryl and I'm drowsy but what's 10 days of sleepiness if it means healing! 

I'm only in the middle of day 3 of this course of antibiotics and so far I'm just feeling the tummy troubles of taking a bucket full of antibiotics but I should start seeing a difference soon!! 

If not, there is a plan b... An aggressive round of antibiotics that would be a shot a day for a week which are apparently pretty unpleasant. 

Then after I'm feeling better and I finish either treatments he wants to test my urine again and if it's negative for bacteria then we will know we can trust cultures in the future, if it's positive we will know to trust my symptoms. 

Sheesh... What an ordeal! I'm so thankful to be on this side of things... I don't think anything has ever affected me quite so fiercely emotionally. I was in a really dark place for a few days... 

So my advice for the day... When in doubt, trust your instinct and get a second, third or fourth opinion until someone at least respects and acknowledges you and what you're going through. 

Oh and to end on a happy note... I just got our family photos that we did a month ago and isn't my child one of the most adorable creatures that ever lived?! (Oh and... Isn't it impressive how healthy I can look when I'm so sick!)