On a jet plane

16 hours until the plane takes off. That’s right. I’m leaving on a jet plane, I (literally) don’t know when I’ll be back again... oh how I wish I could jauntily belt out that song with a little shimmy added for flare. I’m too paralyzed with fear, guilt, shame, and complete loss of control! Who’s idea was this?! I’m going to sue for mental and emotional anguish and trauma. 

Who can afford legal fees these days though? I guess I’ll just write a blog. 

In mere hours I’m leaving the lacy edges of a slushy winter in the Seattle area and going to the dry and yet surprisingly cool faux winter in Phoenix. I’m trading in pine trees for palm trees, Dick’s Burger for In-N-Out, my beloved bedroom with my well loved king size bed always peppered with crumbs for a one bedroom suite at a golf resort, and most importantly my team of drs for a fresh batch of specialists at the Mayo Clinic.

After I was discharged from the hospital in December still in as much misery as I was when I went in and no end in sight I called the Mayo Clinic in desperation and sure enough they accepted my case! After my dear friends and family (and even a loyal blog reader, shout out to her!) raised almost 6,000 dollars and all the planning the time has finally come to head down there. On Monday morning I have an appointment with a urologist who will devise a plan of consults and tests then hopefully they will crack the case and finally figure out what’s wrong with this jalopy of a body of mine! I won’t know until after things get started how long I will be down there... they said to plan an “open ended trip” so I currently do not even have a flight back home booked. 

It’s insane! Who gets a one way ticket to another state?! Seriously... oh boy. That’s it.  I’m not going. Just kidding. Kind of. I mean I am. I just really don’t want to. I feel that same nervous energy I feel the night before a big surgery. Dread and hope mixed together makes a punchy cocktail best served in a pink plastic jug with ice chips. 

On one hand I want to get it over with because I’m hopeful for a good outcome but on the other I just don’t want to go through the process to get there. 

First of all, It’s unnatural to ask a mother to part from her brand new baby for more than a day. I know what you’re thinking... you agree. Also you might have reread that a second time and wondered when I had a brand new baby... well he’s 7... but in the big scheme of things he’s pretty fresh! If he was a dog he’d just be 1 tiny year old. So. Basically. He’s an infant. He needs me! I can’t leave him! He’s actually sleeping next to me right now, probably more for me than for him. I need to be able to glance over at him any second I want to because tomorrow I won’t be able to. I need to feel his steady inhale and exhale that reminds me how fragile this life is. I need to study his face and make sure there isn’t a feature I haven’t noticed before or I dare to forget. 

I’ve planned two weeks of care for him because I cannot live without him for longer than that so if I’m still down there by then my sister or husband will bring him to me for a visit. He’s going to be so busy doing fun things with family that he’s barely going to miss my mom and me... that’s actually a complete load of hooey. He’s going to cry. Regularly. He’s never been away from both of us for more than a couple days. I can organize, make lists, and plan fun things for him all I want but he’s going to have times where he just wants us home. I got him a little stuffed puppy that has a little speaker dealy on the inside that my mom and I recorded into and every morning he has a note and little prize to open. I hope those things help. 

If I tell myself I’m doing this for him, to give him a chance to have a healthy mom, the guilt eases up temporarily but then I loose focus and get drowned by the guilt. 

Right now my head is somehow above water but I can’t guarantee that tomorrow I’m not going to sink to the depths of all the negative feelings trying to pull me under. 

If I knew for sure that they were going to not only know what’s wrong with my body but know how to fix it I would surely be skipping up the jetway as if I was starring in a musical version of How IC It but the fear of them not knowing what or how is breathtaking. 

So I’ll go but I can’t sing and I can’t dance while I’m doing it. 

I really want to document this journey so I think I will post blogs throughout. If you think of me I would so appreciate prayers for all the fears and anxiety leading up to the first visit, for clarity and wisdom for the doctors, for easy and obvious solutions, for Titus and Zach to hang in there back home...

I can easily say I would never have been able to do all of this without the support of my incredible friends and family so thank you so very much! I have been looking for the right word and the one that keeps coming up is valued. I feel so very valued by all of you! It reminds me that not just my life but my quality of life is worth investing in. Thank you all so much for the emotional, physical and financial support. It truly means everything to us!