Sunshine after a Downpour and Rain after a Drought

 Through the years I have been asked many times, “how can you believe in God when you’re so sick?” It’s hard at times but I do… I believe in God without a question, I know he’s with me, I know he is allowing my body to suffer for a reason, but I know he hurts when I hurt.  

At the age of 13, when I first started having IC symptoms, I was already committed. Thanks to my faith driven upbringing, steady believing family, and hilariously faithful children’s pastor I was sold. Praise God because it would have been a treacherous task to instill faith into me after IC had run rampant.

My favorite thing about my relationship with God is that he gets me… some times I insert jokes in my prayers, some times I get mad at him, some times I don’t talk to him for a few days. He still loves me.

I have a very vivid memory of lying in the back seat of the car after going out to dinner with my family. My parents are in the front chatting about grown up things and my sister is quietly looking out the window with my feet across her lap like a second seat belt. It’s dark out so the only things I can see are flashes of lights and we drive under street lights. I have no idea where we are on our commute but I know we are headed to the sanctuary of home.

How do I know? Because my sister and I are tired and that’s where we need to go. Because my parents told me that’s where we were headed. Because I trust them 100%.

That’s a lot like my relationship like God. I know the end goal is perfect and what I am aching for… even if I have no idea what that is… but I have no idea what way we are going to get there. I am just trusting, having blind faith, waiting for him to let me know we have arrived.

I can feel the God’s presence in unexpected ways at times when I need Him. Like in the car when I felt like I wasn’t going to make it, I was going to fall asleep there in the backseat if we didn’t get there soon. Then, like she could read my mind, my mom would say cheerfully “almost home”!     

God has reassured me by showing himself to me many times, my favorite time was on a beautiful, sunny day like today. I had been in the shower for hours… hurting and frustrated about all that I was missing beyond the confines of the shower. I was sitting there on the hard bathtub floor, being drenched in pain relieving rain drops when suddenly through the door crack a ray of sunshine lit up my bathroom. It only lasted a moment… but I have never doubted, since then, that God is with me every moment. Even if, maybe especially if, it’s just a dull day sitting in the shower, full of pain and frustration.

That may not seem like a big deal to any one else and maybe you could tell me it was a coincidence or a cloud moved or whatever. You can believe what you want. I know what happened.

That was just a tiny example of His unfathomable love but this week He showed up in a much bigger way.

It had been 5 days since my cystoscopy, hydrodistention, and Botox injections. They went into my bladder, checked it out, determined it was half the size it should be, stretched it by filling it with water, and then injected it several times with Botox. The first few days were brutal but by then I was pretty much back to my “normal”.

During my recovery my hubby and I both read the first Hunger Games book. So the day I was finally up to it we planned a movie date. We watched the movie, ate the popcorn, whispered about the differences between the movie and the book. Then we went out to dinner with friends. I drank quite a bit of water at the movie and at dinner so before I knew it the familiar, dreadful feeling filled my body. I had to go to the bathroom… in public. So I headed to the bathroom and sat down… but nothing happened. 

I have had retention before, where I only go a few drops every hour or so… but this was the weirdest thing every. Nothing came out despite the horrible, persistent pressure. I calmly walked back to the table, let every one finish their conversation then announced that we needed to go home.

I got in the shower as soon as we got home, I sat down expecting the urine to flow but nothing happen. The pee wouldn’t come out. It felt like I was on a long desert road trip, we couldn’t find a bathroom and when we did Big Bubba the trucker was taking his sweet time. My bladder was going to burst but no matter how much permission I gave it… it wouldn’t release.

Eventually I got out and slept for a few hours thanks to the narcotics… only to wake up and have to start all over. I wrote this about 16 hours since I had last urinated.

I can’t pee. I have tried the shower, the bath, pain medicine, sleep… but nothing has helped.

My bladder is full and aching… which is for some reason making my lower back and legs throb.

The only thing left to do is to catheterize. I am dreading it. I keep running through my brain what I need to do… get out of the shower, get the bag of catheters from my bedroom where I tossed it hoping to not need it, read the little directions, and just do it.

But some where between step 3 and 4 I get a little paralyzed with fear. I can never even sit like a lady because that pressure hurts my urethra. What do you suppose this will feel like? Completely un-anesthetized mind you…

SO then I think… I could go to the ER where they would do it for me… I’m tossing around the pros and cons of each option. The pro of doing it here would be that I could just get in the shower after if the urethral pain is just too raging but that means I have to do it myself… with a completely untrained hand, with a measly vicodin to relieve the pain and only a tiny booklet as my guide…

Going to the ER would supply me with fine drugs to ease the pain and a skilled hand but I would be stuck there until they determined I was as good as I was going to get… By the by, going this route could help for the current situation but what if this continues… I can’t go to the ER twice a day until the retention eases. If this is going to become a new daily occurrence I will need to learn to do this on my own.

So right now I’m sitting in the shower trying to ignore the pain while I decide what to do. I can hear Titus sleepily protesting as my mom tries to get him to take a nap while he’s teething, I smell the now soggy teddy graham I dropped in the shower, my eyes burn from exhaustion, but my brain keeps reminding me that some thing is wrong. My bladder desperately wants to empty… it just can’t. The only thing left I know to do it pray.

Right after I wrote this I prayed the quickest prayer of my life… “God please let me pee!” took pain meds and another nap. When I woke up and got in the shower my bladder released. Like a long summer drought finally breaking… it was the most bittersweet pain ever. It hurt as the long awaited urine exited but my bladder was rejoicing in the relief.

Since then I haven’t had one single bout of retention AND I haven’t even had one teensy, tiny accident. Not a massive flood or even a little leak. I am in control of my bladder. There, I said it. I have been scared to say it… I didn’t want to be overzealous. But I have been now the captain of my bladder-ship for 5 whole days. Boo yah!

So my question is… how can I NOT believe in God? Yeah… true, I am sick. I deal with pain every day. But look at all the things He does for me! I have bad days but I also have good days! I miss out on a lot when I’m in the shower… but when I’m out I have an awesome life. I am thriving.

I don’t meat to preach… but I just want you to know how much more hope, joy and light my life has because of my relationship with God. I want you to have that too! So know that He is with you as well. Maybe you didn’t even realize it was Him before. But He’s there. Loving you. Comforting you. Easing the pain when you can’t take it any more. Giving you strength. Giving your loved ones patience. Providing for you.  Some times he makes himself known in big ways… some times you just have to open your eyes and you will see him easing your burdens.