Can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow?

Heyo! (My sister always says heyo and it's so much more fun than just hey.) So I was just cleaning out my "note" app on my phone where I write blogs from time to time and found this gem of a blog I wrote exactly a month ago. Clearly I was under the influence of pain medication when I wrote it and when I posted it because it never posted however if it made me laugh when I reread it how could I keep it from my loyal readers?! Any woman who has been pregnant, nursed, been on hormones, lost weight or is maybe on the "other side of the hill" can relate! Men, avert your eyes for this one... Here we go. 

11-12-2013

Healing from surgery, a cold, a UTI, really any "extra" thing is so hard for me. 

Not because it's another thing to deal with, although that is hard. 

Not because it's hard to figure out what pain is what, although that is hard.

Not because it flares up my IC, although that is hard.

But because I know that when this extra thing is gone and I am "better", I still have IC. 

I've been counting down the days until my 6 week since surgery mark and subconsciously expecting relief. I mean the surgery pain is gone. I can bend, pick up Titus, and go up or down the stairs. My teeny incisions are healed up... 

(Oh one thing, I apparently did a really bad job at explaining this in my last few blogs... I had three tiny incisions. They stuck their scope and tools in those, then disconnected all the bits... And pulled everything out vaginally. Somehow I made several people thing they pulled everything out through my tiny incisions. Sorry about that!) 

So anyway. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm feeling, expecting this grandiose answer... I'm sure if I was daily waging war against just my Endometriosis, I would be singing an angels hallelujah! 

But as far as I can tell my IC hasn't been impacted at all, good or bad. If anything it just lost its spotlight while I recouped from surgery. 

It's nice to not have the endo cramps but really I've had it pretty well treated with the exception being the last few months when we were trying to get pregnant and then when I was just waiting for surgery to get here! 

I'm still really struggling with adjusting to the estrogen. I'm at .5 mg of estrogen a day and my boobs still feel like they've been used for some sort of boxing training... And! They've shrunk. Seriously. I am no longer a busty lady... I developed early and was always among the bountiful boobed group of girls growing up... I didn't care one way or the other but there they were. 

Then I nursed my thirsty, chubby baby for 14 months with them. They were ginormous. Huge, veined boulders sitting on my chest that I could use as squirt guns in some very inappropriate water fight. (I seriously got distance with those things. I could literally shoot milk across the room... In three directions. 

Anyway. Then my weight has fluctuated all over the scale and my hormones have done all sorts of loopdidoops the last 6 months.

So now I'm left with empty, saggy, pale, oblong sacks. Like if you filled a balloon halfway full of pudding and then tacked them to a wall. That's what they look like. 

Not one single bra fits anymore... The advantage is if I go to a dessert buffet there's plenty of room to stuff extra for later but otherwise it's not great... They sit in there all small and afraid in the deep, dark cavern that my milk filled boobs overflowed out of.

Oh. And what's with my nipples?! I used to have tiny little things... Now I have saucer nipples. Like the actually areola is huge! I'd be happy to pay a dollar for any cookie this size. Then there's my actual teet (are they called teets?) it used to be flesh with the rest of my boob unless I was freezing cold. Now it's constantly at attention and not entirely unlike a cherry on top of a melting sundae! 

(Now, I am not one to invite people to check out my boobs but this is an exception... In the first picture I was 19 with one of my best friends, look at those ta ta's, I mean seriously! Then the next picture is of me in the same dress last month trying to decide if I could pull of that same dress for my husbands Christmas party... A couple minutes after I took that picture it literally started falling off. Sad decrepit little things.)

So anyway! The hormones... These half empty bags previous known as my breasts hurt! And! They're leaking that thick, sticky colostrum just like while I was pregnant. But I'm not. I am wombless. My bra and my body both find themselves with lots of extra room...

So sure I'm doing better from surgery, I'm back to "normal" which is really not very normal. I'm hurting from my IC and I'm still nauseous most of the time. I'm sitting in the shower as I type this. Glossy eyes from the meds and sore. I drank water from my son’s bath toy cup when I took my meds. Yep. I'm back to normal.

So tomorrow I go in for an endoscopy... They'll sedate me then take a scope and send it down my throat into my stomach. I hope they find something. Seriously, I don't even care what it is. I just want to know that there is something causing the unrelenting nausea for the last 2 years. 

I'm not even nervous, it's a picnic compared to other things I've gone through recently. Actually I'm looking forward to the sedation! Maybe that's bad... 

Anyway I'll let you all know how that goes and I have an appointment with my dear urologist Dr. Jacoby on Friday to make a plan for my next treatment plan for my IC! 

So. A month later the update on all this... Still adjusting to the hormones and drinking water out of bath toys. The endoscopy showed absolutely nothing. They did several biopsies but it all looked perfect. So confusing. Also, I'm having my cysto/ hydro/ Botox aaaaand getting my interstims removed in 2 1/2 weeks! Oh and I went bra shopping. I was very surprised with my new size. I’ve never really understood how bra sizes work but the number that comes after the letter was 4 less than I used to wear but the actual cup size hasn't changed! I guess they've stayed the same size just redistributed and migrated. Joy.

Okay I promise in the future when I post blogs while drugged I will verify after the fact! But now you see why I couldn't just trash this one... Ladies, holla if you can relate about the sagging sisters!!! We're in this together!!!