Saying goodbye

First of all I want to thank you for reading this and allowing me to go completely off IC topic for one blog… I didn't know how else to cope with this. I know my fellow Ic’ers have animal companions to help them through this disabling disease and so maybe some of you can relate with the unconditional love to and from an animal and maybe even the heart break of losing them.

The day is looming, no matter how I joke and pretend it’s not going to happen, I know it is. Who would have thought 13 years ago that it would come to this… our beloved golden retriever, Lilly is being put down. No matter how many times I write it or say it or even read the ticket confirmation that my sister is coming home to be here when it happens… I just can’t accept it.

Lilly has been a part of our family for over 13 years and though she has definitely been mischievous and created more work for us at times… she has been a family member and I could always count on her. This week so many memories have flooded my mind of her faithfulness and love over the years.

Jeny and me with Lilly on Christmas 1999

Technically she is my sister, Jeny’s dog. She got her after her hard transition from elementary to junior high as a prize for doing well even with tough times. My pain and heartache from losing Lilly is probably miniscule compared to Jeny’s grief and sorrow. Lilly has been through so much with all of us but she has truly been Jeny’s best friend.

Jeny and Lilly the summer of 2000

Lilly has also been with me through every hill and valley of my life. I remember one particular dramatic teenage break up I was home alone and crying like the broken hearted teenager I was. For some reason I was rolled into a ball on the kitchen floor and suddenly I felt the reassuring weight and presence of Lilly’s head on my leg. She was calm and when I looked in her face I could feel her love and concern. (Great… here come the tears…)

Lilly in my car before she and I went for a drive, 2007

Lilly and I had a special thing just between the two of us… my feet. I have always loved when she licked my feet… I know its weird… to me, it felt like a mini pedicure and our beloved Lilly would know that when I stuck my foot in her face to devotedly lick it, but only mine because most people hate it. (I truly don’t understand why!)

When Zach and I got married we got a tiny 3 lb yorkiepoo named Tucker and he and Lilly were the best of friends. With 100 lbs difference they made quite a pair but they rolled together on the floor playing and cutest of all… snuggled together real close for naps. Lilly was Tucker’s baby sitter, when we left the house we put them both in the laundry room and they nestled together in the giant dog bed until we got home.

Sadly enough we had to give Tucker up for adoption because of his faulty potty training. We had tried every thing but while trying to get pregnant we knew we couldn’t have a baby around such an unpredictable tinkler…. Besides me of course.  Lilly was very sad for a while after Tucker left... not only had Zach and I lost our precious baby dog but Lilly lost her best friend and play mate. 

Lilly and our baby dog Tucker just hanging out, 2009

During my pregnancy Lilly was a faithful companion and always by my side, she never was hyper or barked much… she was just there protecting me and this new little presence she could some how sense in her doggy way. Around that same time my Dad got a bad infection and was really sick. So my Mom and Lilly would take turns spending time with me and him. When my Mom was in the bedroom with my Dad she would find me and plop down as close as possible. Any time she saw my Mom she knew my Dad was alone and would go lay right next to his bed or outside the door. We called her Nanny, like on Peter Pan. It was actually quite amazing.

The day we got home from the hospital after having Titus my mom presented him to Lilly, she gave him a sniff and it was immediately obvious that she accepted him, vowed to protect him and most of all… love 

him.

The introduction, Titus meet Lilly... Lilly meet Titus, September 2011

Which she did! When he in his swing or bouncy seat she’d lay next to him just in case any thing happened. Now that he’s able to crawl you can’t keep him away from her… he climb on her sore, old body yanking out fistfuls of hair as he goes. We, of course, discourage this and pick him up right away but Lilly just lays her head down and consents to the agony it causes. When she gets the chance she gives him a nice lick on the face to confirm her love and approval. I am so sad that Titus won't grow up knowing or remember this special dog, hopefully I can do her justice with all the stories I will surely tell. 

Lilly protecting Titus, November 2011

One of their many kisses, May 2012

Best Friends, May 2012

But most of all… she has been with me through all the IC up’s and downs. She was there when I missed school and was bored and lonely. She was there when I stunk and no one else really wanted to be around (see last blog). She laid right next to the tub while I sat in the shower (some could argue that she liked the warmth but I think it was me!) She would lay in bed with me and watched Disney movies while I tried to ignore the pain.

Eventually her arthritis disabled her so much that she couldn’t go up the stairs and now she can hardly get up on her own. Her back legs fall out underneath her regularly and she barks in fear every time she has to transition from carpet to hardwood. She has to use my Dad’s wheelchair ramp to get in the house from outside and she wakes up multiple times a night to go potty. She has lost some control of her pottying and can’t hear or barely see any more.

But in spite of all that, she painstakingly gets to her feet and follows us just to be close and settles in as close to us as possible. Even in her pain she still tries to protect us when she smells trespassing wild animals outside.

We know it would be selfish to keep her here for us but it’s so hard when she is still the selfless, loving dog she always has been.

The day is almost here to say goodbye, I don’t know how I will handle it. Maybe ignore it and pretend Jeny and my Mom are just taking her to get groomed and shout down “bye, see ya in a bit” from upstairs. Or maybe make stupid jokes to attempt to make the mood light and keep me from crying. Or most likely sob uncontrollably while making stupid jokes and telling old funny Lilly stories so that we all laugh through the tears.

Goodbye Lilly. You have been a great dog for all of us, I'm sorry that we have taken for granted all that add to our family over the years. We will miss the way you always carry around a stuffed animal, we will miss your talking and roooooo's, we will miss your loyalty, we will miss your happiness to see us when we get home, we will miss you playful spirit even in your old age, we will miss your  unwavering love and support, we will miss your acceptance of us as imperfect humans, we will miss you at Christmas which you seemed to always enjoy, we will miss you when it snows, we will miss you on sunny days, we will miss you when it rains. Thank you for being our friend, companion, and dog. We will never forget you and always love you. 

May 2012... beautiful girl at every age