Silent Night

I consider myself a writer... I have for a long time even before I started this blog. I have written numerous poems and started many novels (key word- started). Two of my poems have actually been published. (I wonder where those books are... Probably in the mysterious box of my coats that I haven't seen since our move over a year ago...) 

I know this blog is meant to be about my life and battle with IC but sometimes I just need to write. 

So if you're an IC follower feel free to stop reading and come back next time. 

But I just have to write this and I may as well post it, you all know I wet the bed regularly... So let's face it, I don't really keep things to myself. 

Growing up one of my very favorite nights was Christmas Eve. It was magical. We went to church, then out to dinner at a Mexican restaurant, then we rode home with our eyes glued to the sky searching for rudolfs nose. 

Even with all the wonder, magic and joy that night held I still think my favorite part was sitting in church surrounded by my family when the sanctuary would go dark then one by one candles were lit throughout the place until a soft glow flickered.

Then we would all sing silent night while holding our tiny candles with the handy hot wax guard. It gave me goosebumps and even as a child it filled my heart with wonder and gratitude for Jesus humbling himself and coming to earth as a baby. 

Silent night has been a special song to me since then. It's not just a Christmas carol, it's a worship song. 

I remember telling my mom that someday, before I died, I would sing it for an audience. 

Fast forward to last night. We've had a busy few days and Titus' beloved schedule has gone off the rails! He usually happily goes right to sleep at 7pm after reading a bible story, saying a prayer, and turning on his white noise. But last night he got out of bed and cried at the door calling for me after we tucked him in.

So after a while I went in to see if there was some sort of issue... He was really wound up. I laid him in his bed, covered him up with his "key keys" (blankets) and then I laid next to him.

In his tiny little toddler bed mind you. (If you haven't seen a toddler bed in a while just know that it's the same mattress as his crib... ) I laid on my side with my legs bent and he snuggled up in front of me. Like we were ying and yang. Then he said "sing mama".  

I snuggled him back and I sang. 

Silent night

Holy night

All is calm

All it bright

Round yon virgin

Mother and child

Holy infant so

Tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace.

I laid by him softly singing wonderful, worshipful Christmas songs for about 20 minutes. Then I started to slowly get up but his eyes popped open and his tiny arm shot out from under his blankets and pushed my head back to the pillow so our noses were just an inch apart. I sang Silent Night one more time and his beautiful eye lashes blinked several times until they gave in and his eyes closed. 

Suddenly I realized my dream had been fulfilled. It wasn't as my 8 year old mind had envisioned it but it was better. Oh, so much better! 

My heart thundered and my eyes burned from the misty tears trying to escape. My pitchy voice cracked even more.

I let my song quietly end and I just laid there in his tiny bed breathing in his exhale. Petting his downy head. Rubbing his back that seems impossibly small yet massive compared to this time two years ago.

This was the best audience I could ever have hoped for. He loves me no matter what. He loves me so hard he can't even see my many imperfections. He just wants me right there. An inch away from his face, whisper singing him a Christmas song while rubbing his back, knowing he is loved back times a million. 

After one more chorus while choking back tears I prayed. For him to feel peace and comfort in his bed and know how thoroughly loved he is by is mommy, his daddy and most of all by God! 

As I started to get up I told him mommy had to go to her bed but I'd see him in the morning. He blinked a few more long blinks and then he slept in heavenly peace. 

Thank you God. For this season, for this child you entrusted us with, for the many blessings you have given us, for my family, for Jesus. 

Amen. 

Merry Christmas! 

Can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow?

Heyo! (My sister always says heyo and it's so much more fun than just hey.) So I was just cleaning out my "note" app on my phone where I write blogs from time to time and found this gem of a blog I wrote exactly a month ago. Clearly I was under the influence of pain medication when I wrote it and when I posted it because it never posted however if it made me laugh when I reread it how could I keep it from my loyal readers?! Any woman who has been pregnant, nursed, been on hormones, lost weight or is maybe on the "other side of the hill" can relate! Men, avert your eyes for this one... Here we go. 

11-12-2013

Healing from surgery, a cold, a UTI, really any "extra" thing is so hard for me. 

Not because it's another thing to deal with, although that is hard. 

Not because it's hard to figure out what pain is what, although that is hard.

Not because it flares up my IC, although that is hard.

But because I know that when this extra thing is gone and I am "better", I still have IC. 

I've been counting down the days until my 6 week since surgery mark and subconsciously expecting relief. I mean the surgery pain is gone. I can bend, pick up Titus, and go up or down the stairs. My teeny incisions are healed up... 

(Oh one thing, I apparently did a really bad job at explaining this in my last few blogs... I had three tiny incisions. They stuck their scope and tools in those, then disconnected all the bits... And pulled everything out vaginally. Somehow I made several people thing they pulled everything out through my tiny incisions. Sorry about that!) 

So anyway. Everyone keeps asking me how I'm feeling, expecting this grandiose answer... I'm sure if I was daily waging war against just my Endometriosis, I would be singing an angels hallelujah! 

But as far as I can tell my IC hasn't been impacted at all, good or bad. If anything it just lost its spotlight while I recouped from surgery. 

It's nice to not have the endo cramps but really I've had it pretty well treated with the exception being the last few months when we were trying to get pregnant and then when I was just waiting for surgery to get here! 

I'm still really struggling with adjusting to the estrogen. I'm at .5 mg of estrogen a day and my boobs still feel like they've been used for some sort of boxing training... And! They've shrunk. Seriously. I am no longer a busty lady... I developed early and was always among the bountiful boobed group of girls growing up... I didn't care one way or the other but there they were. 

Then I nursed my thirsty, chubby baby for 14 months with them. They were ginormous. Huge, veined boulders sitting on my chest that I could use as squirt guns in some very inappropriate water fight. (I seriously got distance with those things. I could literally shoot milk across the room... In three directions. 

Anyway. Then my weight has fluctuated all over the scale and my hormones have done all sorts of loopdidoops the last 6 months.

So now I'm left with empty, saggy, pale, oblong sacks. Like if you filled a balloon halfway full of pudding and then tacked them to a wall. That's what they look like. 

Not one single bra fits anymore... The advantage is if I go to a dessert buffet there's plenty of room to stuff extra for later but otherwise it's not great... They sit in there all small and afraid in the deep, dark cavern that my milk filled boobs overflowed out of.

Oh. And what's with my nipples?! I used to have tiny little things... Now I have saucer nipples. Like the actually areola is huge! I'd be happy to pay a dollar for any cookie this size. Then there's my actual teet (are they called teets?) it used to be flesh with the rest of my boob unless I was freezing cold. Now it's constantly at attention and not entirely unlike a cherry on top of a melting sundae! 

(Now, I am not one to invite people to check out my boobs but this is an exception... In the first picture I was 19 with one of my best friends, look at those ta ta's, I mean seriously! Then the next picture is of me in the same dress last month trying to decide if I could pull of that same dress for my husbands Christmas party... A couple minutes after I took that picture it literally started falling off. Sad decrepit little things.)

So anyway! The hormones... These half empty bags previous known as my breasts hurt! And! They're leaking that thick, sticky colostrum just like while I was pregnant. But I'm not. I am wombless. My bra and my body both find themselves with lots of extra room...

So sure I'm doing better from surgery, I'm back to "normal" which is really not very normal. I'm hurting from my IC and I'm still nauseous most of the time. I'm sitting in the shower as I type this. Glossy eyes from the meds and sore. I drank water from my son’s bath toy cup when I took my meds. Yep. I'm back to normal.

So tomorrow I go in for an endoscopy... They'll sedate me then take a scope and send it down my throat into my stomach. I hope they find something. Seriously, I don't even care what it is. I just want to know that there is something causing the unrelenting nausea for the last 2 years. 

I'm not even nervous, it's a picnic compared to other things I've gone through recently. Actually I'm looking forward to the sedation! Maybe that's bad... 

Anyway I'll let you all know how that goes and I have an appointment with my dear urologist Dr. Jacoby on Friday to make a plan for my next treatment plan for my IC! 

So. A month later the update on all this... Still adjusting to the hormones and drinking water out of bath toys. The endoscopy showed absolutely nothing. They did several biopsies but it all looked perfect. So confusing. Also, I'm having my cysto/ hydro/ Botox aaaaand getting my interstims removed in 2 1/2 weeks! Oh and I went bra shopping. I was very surprised with my new size. I’ve never really understood how bra sizes work but the number that comes after the letter was 4 less than I used to wear but the actual cup size hasn't changed! I guess they've stayed the same size just redistributed and migrated. Joy.

Okay I promise in the future when I post blogs while drugged I will verify after the fact! But now you see why I couldn't just trash this one... Ladies, holla if you can relate about the sagging sisters!!! We're in this together!!! 

Do you see what IC?

Christmas is a time to celebrate our God and King who came to Earth in the form of a baby! We celebrate in crazy ways but that's what it's all about! The tree, the trimmings, the lights, the gifts, the Yule log, the fancy appetizers, the ugly sweaters, and candy canes... It's all about Jesus and hopefully you don't have to dig too deep through your bins of Christmas decorations to find him! (Not literally because sometimes you lose your baby Jesus from your nativity and that's totally ok... Well I hope so anyway cuz our precious moments Mary is babyless...)

When my sister and I were teenagers and I was newly diagnosed with interstitial cystitis my dad called a family meeting telling us he had a plan to keep us focused on the true meaning of Christmas. He wrote CTPCOA (pronounced ceptacoa don't ask me why) on a big piece of paper and informed us we were now the Committee to Plan Christmas Oriented Affairs.

We would be doing a Christmas related event every day from the 1st-25th. We did crafts, skits, baking, decorating, shopping, light looking, and so much more! He gave us all numbers that we would go by (to make things less confusing... Sure.) that he picked from his favorite football players... I'm fairly certain my number was OJ Simpsons... (My Dad is a devout USC Trojan fan… he’s not obsessed with accused murderer celebrities or anything)

Anyway! That tradition has continued now for over 10 years! It's shifted a bit each year as our family grows and changes but every year during this time we break out our official CTPCOA sweatshirts with our numbers on the back and set out to make each year the best one yet!

I would say each year is special in different ways but this year feels extra special! My sissy finally moved home from that unfestive state of California (sorry Californians but it's just weird to see Santa in sunglasses and inflatable snowmen by a palm tree) and Titus is at an age where he is starting to get into the wonder and magic of the season!

See? My sweet little elf! 

So since the day before Thanksgiving I have been in holly jolly mode! No time for IC, my chronic nausea and vomiting, or for my grief filled heart over the last few months.

I have pushed through it all, blaring the Christmas carols to drown out my emotional turmoil and anxiety. I push my body harder during this time than any other month of the year.

We've already been to parties, shopping, baked and decorated dozens of cookies, did a fun Christmas craft, chopped down our tree and have it glistening trunk to angel, garland and lights are draped over any available surface, and we've watched several Christmas movies snuggled up by the fire.

(I have to add quickly that this past weekend was my husbands company Christmas party which was sooo much fun! Delicious food, fun dancing, karaoke, and so much laughter with good friends! Then Zach's best friend got us a room at the hotel and we got to spend the night and make a weekend of it! It was so nice having zero timeline or pressure and just spending time with my dear husband who does so much for me! Here is a pic of us right before the Party. I'm so lucky I get to spend every Christmas and my life with this man!) 

ANYWAY, it's only the 11th and my heart is full. Watching my son experience Christmas has been the very best gift. Titus is only 2 so he can't really remember the other two Christmases he's had. It's all new and wonderful to him. The lights, the movies, the cookies, Santa and of course... baby Jesus (that he pronounces "baby Cheesus" by the way.) Don't you wish you had wonder and faith like a child? I do. I wish I could see it all through new eyes. I wish I asked everyone around me to pray all day long just for fun like he does. I wish I read several books a day about Christmas in its purest and most magical forms. I wish I didn’t have any expectations of presents or events so I could just enjoy things as they come! But the wonderful thing about having a child is getting to do all those things with him! Can you even imagine his glee of going to the Christmas Eve candlelight church service or his wonder of waking up Christmas morning only to find that magically presents appeared and cookies disappeared? I’m so glad we're only half way done with this advent time, each day is a treasure more precious than any gift that could be perfectly wrapped under the tree.

The problem is my body gets angry when I ignore it, when I make my bladder wait until the pee is stretching the damaged lining further by the minute. My Scrooge body doesn't seem to care about all the wonder and festivity of this season. I know I'm asking my cranky, diseased body for a lot... I’m going from my general rule of two rest days for every busy day to constant celebration and jubilation. Also, it's past time for my Botox/ hydrodistention treatment but I put it off until December 30th so I wouldn't miss a single day of this magical, beautiful time of year! However my bladder apparently didn't get the memo... It's shrinking and relaxing more every day plus I wouldn't be surprised if that sad lining is dotted with ulcers yet again.

A few days ago the pain showed up with a vengeance and yesterday I lost total control of my bladder twice. Nooo, not now bladder! Please! I have so much I want to do still... We're going to see a cow dressed like a reindeer, a hors d'oeuvres party, a gift exchange with my whole family, more crafts, more celebrations with my husband’s side of the family, looking at lights, an ugly sweater party, the rest of the shopping, oh and all the wrapping!! 

But. Such is life. I'll take what I can get and enjoy every moment of release from pain prison and do as much as I can then but I'll also try to keep the spirit alive even when my health disappoints us all. 

I would rather disappoint myself a 100 times than any member of my family once but it is part of the deal... I'm sorry beloved family members. I'd do most anything to not disappoint you. It's not me. It's my body. I hope they love me and hate my body, hate IC, hate chronic nausea and vomiting, hate endometriosis.

Anyway, I'm going to keep moving on from one day to the next. Doing what I can. Even if that's just snuggling with Titus and my heating pad in front of the tree watching the Christmas episodes of Mickey and Pooh!

Actually if that’s all I got to do all season I would be content.

So Merry Christmas dear readers! Whether you're a family member or friend who just loves me and wants to read my ramblings, a fellow IC sufferer, a support to someone with IC, or someone creepily stalking me... Merry Christmas! I hope you all have joy, magic and JESUS this Christmas!

Merry Christmas from the Jovanovich members of CTPCOA!!! 

By the way, I am planning on writing two hopefully helpful blogs for my fellow IC sufferers very soon so please bear with me as I write these kinds of non-consequential blogs! One is coming about Botox and one about my interstims that will be finally leaving my body after 10 years! Hope your bladders are happy and healthy this Christmas! 

Oh wait, one more thing... This is my 50th blog! I am kind of known for quitting everything... (Rude, I know! Just unimportant things like preschool, soccer, and violin.) So I am super proud of myself and this blog but more than that I'm really thankful for the support and encouragement from my readers all over the world!! Okay I swear I'm done writing now... Merry Christmas!!! 

If it's not one thing...

September 2011- Cesarean Section to deliver my son

October 2011- Mastitis

November 2011- Interstim revised.

December 2011- Mastitis

January 2012- Mastitis

February 2012- Diagnosed with severe postpartum depression

March 2012- Shingles

April 2012- Double interstim revision

June 2012- Cystoscopy with hydrodistention and Botox

September 2012- First horrible Urinary Tract Infection of many

November 2012- Cystoscopy with hydrodistention and Botox

December 2012- Anaphylactic reaction to a mix of Nucynta and Zofran

January 2013- Anaphylactic reaction to a mix of Vicodin and Zofran

February 2013- Laparoscopy to laser off endometriosis

March 2013- Cystoscopy with hydrodistention and Botox

May 2013- Got off birth control to start trying to get pregnant, Endo not happy!

June 2013- Started hormones to induce period to get pregnant

August 2013- Dystonic reaction to Tigan, in the ICU for 5 days

August 2013- Unable to walk for almost a month after the dystonia

August 2013- Finally started the period I had been waiting for... too late. 

August 2013- Cystoscopy with hydrodistention and Botox

September 2013- Full hysterectomy

October 2013- Recovering from surgery and adjusting to new hormones

November 2013- Endoscopy with several biopsies

Those are just the things that stick out in my mind… There have also been run of the mill colds and other normal life dramas… Oh and also chronic UTI’s, chronic nausea, occasional vomiting, endometriosis and Interstitial Cystitis.

Just typing those things it seems ridiculous that I could have experienced these things in the last 2 years… 

Like seriously, if I read a book and the main character had all these things happen I would be rolling my eyes at the absurdity and over exaggeration… I wish I could say that was the case.

These are just straight up facts.

I was just saying to my Mom the other day as she drove me to my Endoscopy how true that saying is for me, "if it’s not one thing, it’s another". The problem is all of these things I highlighted are horrible but the days in between are really hard too. So even if I’m not dealing with shingles, an infection, or recovering from surgery I am still dealing with chronic, unrelenting pain!

I hate saying this. It’s my most hated statement in the English language but… It is not fair. I’m sorry. I hate to say it but seeing all that I've gone through typed out...  it’s really not fair.

I feel like I deserve a break. Like a month long vacation on some tropical island where they bring me food and delicious drinks while I lay by the pool or on the beach reading good books.

But that’s not the case.

You might not believe me when I say this but really I don’t get like this very often… this “Poor me, pity me” attitude. Usually I’m a pretty positive “take each new day as it comes” kind of girl but sometimes I need to just write down all the horrible things that I have gone through and feel bad for myself for a minute.

So I did. I’m over it now.

It has been a hard couple of years, no doubt about it!

BUT! My son, bless his sweet heart, is very much like his Mommy and he feeds off of my emotions a lot. So we are happy to stay in jammies and read or watch movies all day, eating snacks on Daddy’s side of the bed (so we don’t get crumbs on my side)! Plus my Mom is my understudy in life. On days when it hurts too bad or I’m too drugged to even do that my Mom happily takes Titus and they go about their day.

Having a snack on Daddy's side of the bed! (We love you Daddy!)

Unfortunately my son is very much like me in not so great ways too… He doesn’t like change and he gets overwhelmed really easily. So now that I’m recovered from my hysterectomy and trying to start living some semblance of a normal life… he’s sort of panicking! He loves playing outside and going on some outings but new things like going to our Kindermusik class are so scary… He didn’t leave my lap until the last 5 minutes of class. Although nothing is worse than me trying to pawn him off on some kind volunteer in the toddler class at my new MOPS (Mother of Preschoolers) group or at Church. He clings to me like a baby monkey the minute we walk into either building and starts to cry the minute we walk down the hallway towards his class… Last Sunday was his first church service he made it in class the whole time! (He sat on one of the teachers laps and cried on and off the whole time but hey, it’s progress!)

Titus getting a stamp after Kindermusik class... Maybe it's not so bad? 

So anyway… We’re adjusting. I am still battling daily pain from my IC and my chronic nausea but my endometriosis is gone! Praise. The. Lord! So each week we are trying to do a little bit, even if I end up in bed for two days after every busy day. But, it’s worth it! (Or so my Mom tells me…)

We’re entering into a world of change… New classes, groups, friends and this toddler business isn’t coming as easy as infanthood did for me. The big three (moving Titus to a toddler bed, potty training, and taking away his precious goody (pacifier)) are staring me in the face wondering when, how, why but I’m trying to just relax and enjoy these last three lingering babyhood things. Plus like his mommy, he likes to take things slow…

So we’re going to MOPS every other week, kindermusik when we can and church every Sunday. Then resting in between. It’s good. It’s progress. It will take time to adjust but I’m praying that we’ll have somewhat of a break and can get into a good routine before the next storm hits! 

Today I go in to see my urologist. The day is finally here. I am hopeful. Believe it or not, after all these years I still get my hopes up each time. I'll post an update if anything newsworthy comes of it! 

Thanks again for reading! Can't believe people have come to my blog almost 18,000 times just to read my random mutterings! Very humbling! Love to you all! 

Recovery and healing.

I've showed you all some strange things... But I had to share this picture I instagram'd of my 3 tiny incisions just 5 weeks after my total hysterectomy. I'm utterly amazed at how much they could do from those three slits smaller than bad paper cuts!

5 weeks post-op. One on each side of my lower abdomen and one in my belly button! 

You know what's really weird? Weirder than showing you my flabby, stretch mark covered tummy... I keep thinking about the dish of my innards... As they pulled organ after organ out of me what did they do with it all? Set it in some metal dish or straight into some blood soaked trash of sorts... That's disgusting. I know. But I always think if I share some of my messed up thoughts I might rid myself of a few.

I kind of would have liked to be a fly on the wall of that OR... Watching my doctor make such tiny incisions, send different tools and scopes into them, then deliver each piece of me the same way a baby would come out...

But then again I'm sure I'd get swatted because who wants a fly in an operating room...

Speaking of operating rooms... That's my most favorite part of having surgery. From the moment they unlock the wheels of my gurney in pre-op and I’m pushed towards the big sterile room until the moment I'm knocked out.

The OR nurse comes and gets me. They're usually very friendly and upbeat about the whole thing. They remind my mom they're taking good care of me. They smile patiently as we say our "see ya soon". Then off we go through the rubber "do not enter" doors. Then it's just me and a dozen medical personnel. They're all there for me! I'm the star of the show!

One time the nurse sang "Dancing Queen" as we entered the big white and silver room, it was quite the dramatic entrance!

I can't see most of their faces because they're covered with masks but I can see smiling, reassuring eyes and I can hear care in their muffled voices.

While one nurse gets me on the table perfect positioned, another sticks cold monitors all over me and straps a blood pressure cuff to my arm. The anesthesiologist, my best friend while I'm there, sits up by my head; he talks gently and reassuringly while he gives me the feel good cocktail through my IV.

I'm sure it's a policy or maybe just out of respect but while each nurse does their specific job they me what they're doing to me. "I'm going to put a pillow under your hips", "I'm putting this monitor on your back", "I'm putting your arm with the IV over here"...

At first I try to help them but pretty soon that "cocktail" hits and I don't care what they're putting where. I'm a rag doll.

Since I'm the star, everything I say is heard and granted, every joke I make is laughed at. I like to have a good rapport with my surgery staff. I compliment them on cute scrubs or pretty eyelashes. But somehow I think the drugs make everything exaggerated and silly because I can hear the smiles in their voices.

In no time the meds start kicking in for real and I start slurring my words, a nurse or doctor usually tells me to sleep well and then it's all dark.

That's it. Next thing I know I wake up in the recovery room covered in pain.

That part's not fun.

So here I am 5 weeks since surgery and so far that was still the best part of the whole thing.

I've been dependent on dilaudid for my IC pain so when I got home from the hospital with that as my only pain medication it barely touched the sheer agony. Since my body is used to it I had to take 1, every 4 hours, around the clock for weeks just to keep my glazed eyes clear of tears from the pain.

BUT! Finally I'm starting to do much better and I'm back to taking just 1 most days. I still have some stiffness, it can hurt to bend and every so often I still have pain inside where they pulled everything out then sewed me up. But overall I'd say I'm 90% recovered!

Believe it or not, all that physical pain wasn't the worst part of my recovery... Another aspect of having a full hysterectomy at 26 is that I'm now and will forever be taking daily estrogen pills so I don't accidentally turn into a man or something...

That might not be why.

Anyway. Since I have had endometriosis since I was 12 and estrogen is the enemy of said curse, I've always been on meds to stop my body from producing estrogen. Other than the two times I was attempting to get pregnant and while I was pregnant with Titus, I have never had estrogen in my body.

Due to that, about a week after surgery I started having all these crazy symptoms exactly like when I first got pregnant... My boobs hurt so badly. So bad! I would just lie in bed with a heating pad on my abdomen and ice packs on my chest. Not only were they so tender and sore but they were leaking sticky colostrum just like when I was pregnant. Sometimes when they were especially itchy and achy I'd look and there was a drip of colostrums. Sometimes there wasn't any and I'd try to manually express some desperate to get the pain to stop. I pulled and squeeze my once overly productive breasts but that did nothing but inflict pain...

Turns out milk coming in feels very similar to milk drying up.

It was so cruel and frustrating... I literally almost took a pregnancy test because I was convinced they forgot some fleck of my reproductive system and somehow there was a tiny baby trying to survive on it... Zach convinced me Dr. Brown would have noticed that and my heart was shattered once again.

After two weeks I finally called and they reduced my estrogen from 1 mg to .5 mg a day and now I finally feel like it's under control! I really don't want menopausal symptoms again (been there, done that twice) but too much estrogen was much worse.

I know the question everyone wants to ask... So?! Did it help your IC?! How's life without endometriosis?!

Sorry to disappoint but I think it's still too soon to know for sure.

The other day I was having a breakdown because I woke up with pain that I'd always thought was endo... But it was a day after doing more than I have in months... So I'm trying to tell myself that was still surgery pain.

As far as my IC... I really don't know! I've been in a bad flare the last few days with full blown symptoms. Urgency, some frequency, incontinence, bladder pain, pain during and after urination, ect, ect!

I have an appointment with my urologist in 2 weeks to make a plan of attack now that I'm recovered from the hysterectomy. I want to remove my interstims first but I think she wants me to start cyclosporine first… So we shall see.

As for now. I'm going to do what I can. Push myself to do a little more every day and try to get outside of my mindset of recovery!

Anyway. Just wanted to give my readers a little update on my recovery... It's been a mournful, painful time but I'm happy to be on this side of it so I can start enjoying the life I have with my little family of 3… my strong, hardworking husband who loves us aggressively, my shockingly adorable, quirky, little booty-shaking 2 year old son, and me. The broken and imperfect mom and wife who is trying to do the best I can for these two boys that fill my heart!

My little family on Halloween! We didn't go big this year but Zach was a gun shot victim, Titus was a Seahawks player, and I was a baseball player of sorts! 

5 Years of Marriage!

Today marks 5 years of marriage for my husband Zach and me, 5 years since we stood in front of our family, friends, and God to say “I do”, 5 years since we said explicitly “in sickness and in health”. We were so young, just 21, old enough to feel true love but young enough not to know how hard life could be.

Although our marriage started 5 years ago today, our story really started 13 years ago… We met in junior high and had lots of mutual friends. We hung out some but I always thought of him as a lovable, slightly odd, boy friend. Boy… Friend… Not boyfriend.

One time he came over and my friend kept trying to get him to hold my hand as we all hung out on the hammock but he was way too chicken and I wasn’t sure I wanted him to anyway. This was the year 2000 and all of us “normal” kids were wearing flared jeans and hoodies while my future husband wore a leather jacket... Being an individual can go two different ways in junior high but fortunately for him every one embraced it. He was affectionately dubbed “the fonz” for most of junior high; he even had his new nickname on the back of his sports sweatshirts. (I still wear his Fonz wrestling sweatshirt, it has that delightful worn quality that only a well loved piece of clothing can have!)

Anyway the years went by and we remained good friends. I frequently called him when other boys broke my young, fragile heart and he was so good at simultaneously telling me that I deserved better and making me laugh. He rode his bike to my house  one day in the summer after 9^th grade, we had a great day swimming in our pool and he even ended up staying for a delicious dinner of barbequed steaks with my whole family but I still thought of him as just my good friend!

Not long after this I started dating another guy and he turned out to be not a very good guy… So regularly I called on teenaged Zach when I had been hurt yet again. He was there for me until he eventually had had enough and said he couldn’t sit by as this guy who didn’t deserve me broke my heart time and time again. So I let him go… what a ding bat.

Years later, I was 19 and single but in the depths of my battle with IC. I had recently given up the hope of having a guy in my life until my IC was under control. It was May 10^th and I was sitting in the bath with my laptop on the edge playing around on… MySpace… When suddenly I got a message from someone called The Crowegian (he’s Croatian and Norwegian), it said something like, “Holy crap! (Classy) Hi! I haven’t talked to you in forever. How are you? Still dating ____ (the jerk boy friend)?” After perusing his pictures I realized it was Zach aka The Fonz!!

We ended up trading phone numbers and we texted nonstop until we met up at a local Mongolian BBQ place the next evening. The dinner went fabulously and I didn’t want it to end so I invited him back to my house (my house of course meaning my parents house) to hang out some more! We took a swim in the pool just like old times then we stayed up chatting until like 1 in the morning. I guess I should say that what I consider chatting, Zach considered grilling. He now affectionately refers to me during our first date as Barbara Walters… But who could blame me? I was 19, I had two chronic pain conditions, and I had never really dated a guy that treated me right. I told him all about my IC and my Endometriosis and the potential challenges he would face if he chose to date me.

The next day was my 20th birthday party with my family and he had to work so we took a day apart to let things settle in but on May 13^th, 2007 he was planning on coming to church with me. So I texted him and asked (I was so coy) what I should introduce him as at church and he asked if I wanted to introduce him as my boy friend! (Eeeeeee! 19 year old girl scream!!!!!)

Five months later we were engaged.

We have been through sooo much since then. Like I said at the beginning of this blog, we literally had no idea how hard life could be… much less married life, even more less married life with chronic pain! Actually I am so very thankful we didn’t know because honestly I don’t know if we would have leapt into marriage with such abandon if we had known the trials that were ahead.

We’ve been through every money struggle you could think of, Zach has had several different jobs, he went back to school while working part time, we have pretty much lived with my parents our whole marriage, I have had about a dozen surgeries, intimacy is painful and difficult for me, we had family conflicts, we had infertility issues, I had a horrible pregnancy, I had severe post-partum depression after having our son, we had every normal marital spat known to all, and of course I battled interstitial cystitis and endometriosis the whole time.

But. I wouldn’t trade one single second of that sorrow if it meant I would lose my husband for that same moment. It has all been worth it. Every. Single. Minute. Even right now as I sit here typing this and he lays next to me snoring loud enough to wake the neighbor’s barn cats, its bliss. Okay maybe not bliss but it does make me smile.

Last weekend I sat outside while he made a tire swing for our 2 year old son, Titus, while he napped. We laughed and teased, it was lovely. He had to tie several knots and they were strong but once he hung the swing he stood on it with all his weight to make those knots tighten even more. In a very abstract way that reminds me of our marriage… There has been so much weight and hardship on our relationship but each pound that’s hoisted on us just makes our knot stronger and tighter.

Each overdraft notice, each surgery, each new job, each doctor’s appointment, each melt down, each fight… It all made us stronger. What a blessed gift we have. God created us to be together. He knew this was the plan all along, even that day on the hammock when he didn’t hold my hand… God knew that one day he would hold my hand… and that he has… through so much.

I could go on and on and on about my marriage to this man. Really, it’s one of my very favorite topics but I know I must wrap this up eventually…

So let me just say…

I love you dear husband. Thank you for not just doing life beside me but with me. Thank you for creating a love that made us a beautiful son. Thank you for pushing me (literally and metaphorically) when I think I cannot go on. Thank you for loving me in spite of my many flaws. Thank you for loving me chubby or thin, make up or not, greasy headed or fresh. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for watching Project Runway and saying things like “that would be cute with a nice cap sleeve”. Thank you for waking up at 4 am to provide for our family. Thank you for forgiving me for throwing that wash cloth at you and saying I hated you that one time. Thank you for making our marriage a priority. Thank you for saying you don’t deserve me when really I’m the one that doesn’t deserve you. Thank you for admitting when you are wrong. Thank you for being my friend, my partner, my lifelong mate, and my lobster.

I can write it a million ways but a picture is truly worth a thousand perfect words. So scroll down and watch our love story unfold. (Oh man that was a cheesy sentence… blame it on the synthetic hormones!

Side note: Dear IC readers, Thank you for obliging my totally off topic rambling yet again. I’m towards the end of my recovery from my hysterectomy and will be starting some new IC treatments soon! Stay tuned! :o)

Side Side Note: After spending hours going through, uploading, organizing and captioning all those pictures I realized how truly blessed we have been over the years. In spite of my health and money struggles we have done a lot of fun things and have lived every ounce of life we could! We are so blessed! 

One of our first dates was to the Zoo!

At Snoqualmie Falls... this was a glimpse of real life. Our first fight that started over directions and I almost died hiking to the Falls... He wouldn't go get help, he mocked me and literally pushed me up the hill... 

I made a romantic candlelit area outside so we could have our first dance ever. What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong. We also chose that song for our first dance as a married couple song. 

Dating was so fun! We went and got DQ ice cream cake just cuz! 

We're getting married!! He proposed at The Cheesecake Factory over dessert with a ring and a necklace with my *NEW* initials engraved! 

Halloween! Joker and Cat Woman! 

At Northwest Trek! 

We went on a Ferry Ride! 

At the Oregon Coast with Zach's family!

I do.

Everyone who loves us came to see us become one. 

Young and in love! Best day ever!

Just Married!

On the boat snorkeling in Hawaii for our Honeymoon!  

Dinner on the veranda! 

Seriously the best week of my life! 

Back to real life but now as Mr. and Mrs. Jovanovich

At a friends wedding! 

Love us. 

We went Sailing on Puget Sound just for fun one day! 

Our first "child" Tucker! 

Seeing the animals got to us! 

Our 2 year Anniversary! 

Merry Christmas! 

New Years at my Grandparent's cabin! 

1+1=3

Love this picture of us and our baby boy in my  tummy! The pregnancy was so hard but it was so worth it!

Just a week before our lives changed forever! 

The last family photo with just 2 of us! 

Titus James Jovanovich September 12, 2011. 

Love at first sight!

So in love. 

First family Halloween! Bunch of barn animals! 

Picking out our Christmas Tree! 

Christmas Morning 2011. 

Our matching CTPCOA shirts. 21+32=53 

Even though we are now parents we're still fun and silly!

Titus got dedicated! So powerful having so many people pray over his life! 

Valentines Day 2012   

Zach got a Harley!! 

Out for a spring time stroll!                              

After one of my many surgeries! Family Walk!

My 25th Birthday!

Memorial Day we went on a picnic to the river!

We got away for the Weekend last year and enjoyed every minute of the time for just us! 

Boat ride through Deception Pass!

Baseball game with our friends! 

At the Farmers Market!

Titus' First Birthday Party!

Our Family! 

Us.

I believe we were just sitting outside because Titus had fallen asleep in the car...

At the Pumpkin Patch!

Monkeys and our Zoo keeper! Halloween 2012

Getting our Christmas Tree! 

Getting ready for Zach's company Christmas Party! We danced the night away! So fun!

Titus wasn't too sure about his first canoe ride... 

At the park! 

Our 2013 Family Pictures. I love us.