Instinct

Well. I got to chat with a real life farmer yesterday. It was really interesting for lots of reason but most of all… I found out I have a lot in common with his heifers.

Actually I’d love to meet up with them for… some milk? Or I guess they don’t eat milk… so hay? Anyway I feel like Bessie and I could really relate and support each other.

The farmer told me that his ladies of the cow persuasion have been in heat but the farmer hasn’t arranged for um… a calfie daddy to eh… spend some quality time with them? (I clearly don’t know anything about farm animals…)

So these curvaceous, randy ladies are taking things into their own… hooves… There just happens to be a strapping young steer just through a few fields and they’re not letting a few measly fences keep them home. They’ve already broken through two with the mission of getting a pot roast… I mean bun… in the oven.

Of course the men… and the steer… would like to think it’s their passion and general lustfulness that is driving them towards these horny fellas… meaning they have horns, get your mind out of the gutter… but I hate to break it to ya guys… It has nothing to do with that.

It’s a raw, animal instinct to reproduce.

It’s what keeps animals roaming the lands, swimming in the ocean and flying in the sky. It keeps delicious steak on our table. Best of all it’s what keeps our family trees full of new leaves with each generation.  

I haven’t recently chatted with any animal about their reproduction but I would imagine another thing we have in common is that it doesn’t matter whether we’ve already had one child or twelve, the deep need is just as strong. It's not because our one or twelve kids aren't enough or not perfect. It's a totally separate desire. It's like wanting to eat dinner even though you ate a delightful breakfast. One doesn't affect the other. 

This strong, instinctual feeling is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It's not just a want, it's a desperation and yearning that cannot be suppressed.

I’ve been feeling this instinct and desire for another baby since February but after tons of complications (read my blog Change of Plans for more details) I am not only unable to have another baby but I’m having a hysterectomy on Friday. I’m still feeling all these instincts but now I have to suppress them. I have to tell myself- no matter the pain it brings me- that I cannot follow through with what I’m hardwired to do. I'm forcing my body, my mind and my heart to go against this intense drive to procreate.  

It’s like going up to a wild bear to give him a nice treat and a scratch on the back. Or seeing my son in danger and doing nothing about it. Or maybe even like being in a room full of free ice cream and not even having a lick! This is an instinct, not a calculated decision that I just have to change my mind about. It's going against my pedigree... Going against everything I was made for. 

I have never felt such deep pain as this... It's indescribable. It racks my body full of grief. 

I'm grieving the plans I had for my life and my family.

I'm grieving the loss of my child I had only known in my heart and mind. 

I'm grieving for Titus who will never be able to look at someone and see himself like you can only do with your sibling, he will never have someone to hold hands with as they walk to school, nor will he have that unique relationship that you have with your sibling your whole life that is stronger than any other friendship or bond.

I'm grieving for Zach who always wanted two kids. 

I'm grieving for my mom who is feeling this loss and heartache almost as much as I am. 

I am trying to be positive penny but things keep coming up in conversation or commercials about a baby or pregnancy and suddenly I have actual chest pain like my heart is truly breaking.  

The other day I cried harder than I have in years. I cried and cried. My husband held me but I had no words to offer him. The pain, the loss, the heartache is indescribable. It comes from a place deep inside where dreams and hopes live... and die. 

But. I'm sitting here writing this while in layers of deep pain. Complicated and extreme. I'm off of all treatments for my endometriosis and it's aggressively showing up in full force. I was diagnosed when I was 12 and I am now 26.. 14 years of this pain is enough. 

I know this is why I'm doing this... But! It doesn't change one dang thing about my devastation. 

I can tell myself the positive reasons why I’m doing this all day, until the cows come home… But that doesn’t change the crushing of my heart.

So please let me grieve and cry and mourn. Don't belittle it with seemingly sweet jokes or catchy celebrations. I don't care about wearing white pants or never having to buy female products ever again. I don't even really care that my pain will maybe be less. Please stop attempting to lift me up with all the good news, I know all that. I am very thankful for it... But it doesn't change the searing pain in my heart. 

The bottom line is I have an instinct and a desire to have another baby but on Friday the door to this phase of my life is being slammed shut, locked, and dead bolted… and my heart is broken. I’m trying to get through this like I’ve gotten through everything… with a smile, even if I am smiling through mournful tears.

If you think of me on Friday or any time in the next couple weeks, I’d really appreciate a prayer being sent up on my behalf. I’ve had 23 or 24 surgeries (I’ve lost count) but this is no question the biggest one I’ve ever had and along with my IC and chronic nausea it’s going to be a doozie of a recovery. Not to mention the emotional side of it all…

To end this on a happy note for you and me, I wanted to say how very thankful I am for my precious miraculous gift, Titus. He just turned 2 a couple weeks ago and is growing before our eyes! He’s saying some sentences, loves animals, he loves to dance, and his laugh is pure and contagious. He’s also a sensitive, sweet boy; the other day out of nowhere he lifted my shirt and gave my “owie” tummy a kiss. He is pure love!

 
 

Titus giving me a flower. Pure. Love.