Bladder Instill (I have no catchy title, my creative juices were drained out of the catheter)

 “Just try to relax… it will hurt much less if you can just relax your muscles.” That’s what the nurse tries to tell me as she pries my legs apart.

I respond: “I’m trying. There, am I relaxed?”

“Kind of…” is all she says.

She proceeds to prep the catheter and medicine then says, “okay ready? Take a deep breath” but my body freezes solid as she inserts the catheter that she promised was the smallest one she had but felt like she was mistaken, it felt huge and covered in blades. She repeats that I needed to breathe and relax but instead I scream, “I can’t do it!”

The nurse forges on and the waves of nausea almost knock me over as the pain thunders on. I hear the urine dripping out of the catheter and she said, “I just need to empty your bladder first.” Tears puddle in my eyes as I silently pray for it to be over.

Every time the catheter moved a tiny bit pain rippled through my body like after effects of an earth quake. Finally my bladder was empty and she injected the lidocaine which burned a little bit but I gritted my teeth and desperately asked “is it going to hurt to take it out?”

I couldn’t look at her but I feel like she probably smiled and answered, “It shouldn’t, at least not as bad as going in. Now shift your hips back and forth to mix it all up.”

As I did the hula while lying on the table with a tube hanging out of my chee chee the pain soared. I felt each twitch of the catheter. Finally the nurse told me to take a deep breath then to blow it out.

As I was doing this she pulled the catheter out and my body literally quivered. It hurt just as bad going out for the record, it was just faster. I laid there with my legs still up in the air and the little paper sheet not covering any thing.

Physically exhausted and shivering from the pain I contemplated allowing myself to black out but fought the pull.

Finally the nausea and dizziness subsided, though the burning lingered, and I tried to sit up but having any pressure on my violated region was too much. I gingerly got down and slowly got dressed. It was over. Now all I had to do was wait for the soothing liquid to calm the fire in my bladder.

This was my first bladder instill in years, my urethral pain had always kept me from repeating the misery but finally my bladder pain was so much that I thought I should attempt it once more. Now here I am 4 hour and a vicodin later and I’ve decided to wait another 10 years to try again. The pain from the procedure is not as intense as earlier but barely tolerable. My bladder feels numb like it’s full of ice water instead of poisonous urine and I’m sore head to toe from being so tense.

Anyway, it was worth a try! If any one needs me, I’ll be in the shower trying to wash away the pain and horror of the day!